Personal Grooming in My Cube

me: I just picked a zit on my forehead and it made me sneeze.

c: HAHA WHAT?

me: I know, right? It was bizarre. I tried to pick it with one hand and then had to cover my mouth for a bananas sneeze with my other hand. It all happened so fast.

c: I have a shit eating grin on my face.

Someone Wants to Talk to You

k: I am eating a burrito right now so go fuck yourself. Your mom doesn't love you anymore. She loves me now.

me: IT'S NOT TRUE

k: She's sitting right here next to me. Here, I'll put her on.
Hi, M. It's C, the mom formerly known as your mom. I'm K's mom now. So go fuck yourself.

me: Oh, I have your husband here with me right now. Let me put him on.
Hi K, it's Husbandtowne. When I told you that you were like a drug and I loved you even though you ruined my life, I meant it. But then I met Candy Finnergan from Intervention and she showed me that you are an enabler. So I'm done with you. And, oh yeah, that song I wrote, it's about M.

k: FUCK. Well, here's Kanye West:
Yo, M. I'm really happy for you, but K's mom is the best mom ever. And you are just a sad, teenage-vampire loving clown who cries over pictures of Lady Gaga's man bulge.

me: Well, here's Taylor Swift:
I'm simple. Let's play guitar.

k: NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE THAT.

me: THAT WAS TAYLOR SPEAKING FOR HERSELF. DON'T TAKE HER VOICE AWAY.
Oh, wait, she has one more thing she wants to tell you:
I look like a cat.

k: EFFFFFFFF. Seriously, I just ate a burrito. I wish I was dead.

me: Let's sit at the fancy table and have a full hibachi lunch. You won't puke. I swear.

k: I will have a salad and an enema.

me: Will that enema be dine-in or to-go?

k: I'm gonna brown bag it.

Nanny & the Muppet Babies

k: He is like one of the muppet babies. Did you ever watch that cartoon? They were all held hostage in a nursery and taken care of by a pair of granny legs that would come visit them once a day ... they had to use their imagination to escape. It was the most horrific show ever.

me: I REMEMBER IT ALL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ju75XsCO4o

k: Yessss. Didn't it send you spiraling into a deep depression?

me: I don't think I ever realized that they were held hostage!?? I so remember those creepy stripey legs coming in though.

I just accidentally pasted the muppet babies link into a program.

k: Hahaha. Oh man. Off to a good start today. Can you imagine if that somehow went live?

me: It would be my greatest accomplishment while working here. I feel betrayed that the Kings of Leon king has a girlfriend that is not me.

k: If you use your imagination, it IS you ... and those striped legs are Caleb Followill's.

me: HAAAAAAAa, do I have to call him Nanny?

k: He would love it, I just know it.

me: I would tell him his sex was on fire as I peeled back those knee socks.

k: Gross! Then a black cloud of smoke would come out of his urethra.

me: No. Nanny wouldn't do that to me.

k: I want to dress up as Nanny for Halloween. I'll cover my body in a black box, except for my green and white striped legs.

me: You have to hide your entire top half with a door.

k: And I'll hang muppets down by my feet.

me: A mobile of muppets.

k: Perfect. Done.

Will Work for Bed

From: gm@work.com
Subject: I want you to go to lunch with me

Can y’all go tamari?
Or ... maybe even today?


From: me@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me

Sorry I missed out on the email chain. I was too busy eating Chipotle out of my lap and sleeping in my car in the Food Lion parking lot. You know, the usual.


From: gm@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me

Good morning, princess. I love you.

Thinly Veiled Cry for Help?

k: Stop being so motivated and making me look bad.

me: Oh, shut your mouth. You have a husband and are good with people. I have to fill my empty soul and mask my ability to fuck everything up with other hobbies.

k: Mmm, feeling a little dark today, my pap?

Don't Be Jealous of My Life

a: Have you ever looked up dollhouse furniture online? There's some weird stuff out there. People really get into it.

me: Why the fuck did you look up doll furniture online?!

a: Long story ... but it involves finishing out a birdhouse for a contest. And I'm going to Hobby Lobby after work in search of doll house furniture.

me: HA

a: Don't be jealous of my life.

me: You should be jealous of my life. I'm in work hell. And my iPod died around lunch. I've been listening to 3 Bon Iver songs on repeat on his myspace page for hours. Starting to consider suicide. I literally screamed MAYDAY when it died.

a: No Pandora there? Or someone with an iPod charger?

me: Fucking iPod shuffle. Pandora irritates me for some reason. Not enough of my favorites.

a: Ya know you can listen to radio stations through iTunes.

me: They won't put iTunes back on my computer because I take up too many gigs. They force me to use my iPod.

a: Hahahaha. they hate you.

me: MUTUAL

a: It doesn't count if you use it correctly.

me: That was the irony! I loved it!

a: And that, my friends, is what you call full circle. Ta da!

me: BAM!

ALL CAPS SPICES UP ANY CONVERSATION

me: Breaking news. S has a class in town on Thursday, so she is coming down tomorrow night to stay with me.

k: That bitch!

me: How dare!

k: I guess I'll go kill myself then.

me: DON'T DO IT. JUST DON'T DO IT. THE HEAVENS AREN'T READY FOR YOU. YOU STILL HAVE MORE WORK TO DO ON EARTH.

k: Tell S she'll have to live with that on her conscience for the rest of her life. I am going to turn the bedazzler gun on my own face. And chug sequins. And snort paint.

me: I'm waiting to hear back from her to see if she is staying the weekend. I don't know. If that is not the case, wanna hang Thursday? Or Sunday night? OR EVER AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF OUR LIVES?!?!?

k: How about YES.

me: How about CORRECT ANSWER.

k: How about THURSDAYS MEANS PROJECT RUNWAY MEANS YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TALK.

me: I LOVE IT.