c: Did I tell you I met T's sister at the Bartender's Ball?
me: T T?
c: As in T.R., not your T.
me: He has a sister?!
c: YES. As we pull into valet, I was like "Who the fuck is this barbie-looking bitch?" T's sister.
me: HA! Where has she been hidden all these years?
c: Tall, perfect, blonde, beautiful face, big fake boobs.
me: STOP
c: Swear.
me: Hahahahha
c: Apparently she had a seizure due to the boob job.
me: Hahahahahhahaahahhahaha. That's the (not) funniest thing I've ever heard.
c: It's only funny cause its true.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Health Hazard: Ice Luges
me: You are sick?! Did I infect you!?
c: No, I think the tequila ice luge infected me.
me: Hahahahhaha ... that.
c: Shocking ... an ice luge during flu season where hundreds of bartenders had already put their filthy mouths on it prior to me.
me: HAAAAAAaa. You might as well have wrapped your dainty lips around a subway pole.
c: Just licked the toilet bowl in the free clinic. The funny this is, right before I did it I said, "No way, not with swine flu running around." Then all it took was someone to say, "Cooome on ..." and I, of course, did it. Like I said, will power of 1-ply toilet paper.
me: We are poster children for the ills of peer pressure.
c: No, I think the tequila ice luge infected me.
me: Hahahahhaha ... that.
c: Shocking ... an ice luge during flu season where hundreds of bartenders had already put their filthy mouths on it prior to me.
me: HAAAAAAaa. You might as well have wrapped your dainty lips around a subway pole.
c: Just licked the toilet bowl in the free clinic. The funny this is, right before I did it I said, "No way, not with swine flu running around." Then all it took was someone to say, "Cooome on ..." and I, of course, did it. Like I said, will power of 1-ply toilet paper.
me: We are poster children for the ills of peer pressure.
Friday, December 4, 2009
"Working" Not in Job Description
me: You are the sloooowest responder today. Don't tell me you're working.
c: I am, I am. Sorry! They have me processing short sales.
me: Haha, it's ok. Just so unexpected.
c: Insert me drooling with a vacant expression and mind-numbing confusion.
me: Bahahahaha
c: Silly job, you think I'm competent.
c: I am, I am. Sorry! They have me processing short sales.
me: Haha, it's ok. Just so unexpected.
c: Insert me drooling with a vacant expression and mind-numbing confusion.
me: Bahahahaha
c: Silly job, you think I'm competent.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Nana's Suprise Birthday Party
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Nana
Sorry I haven't responded before now about the party ... thanks for remembering though! It was a huge success. A major joint effort: C manned the kitchen per usual, his mom made a Happy Birthday banner for me, R came to help me set up, and my dad policed the premises (not kidding) in order to ... keep us safe from church robbers?
A couple of funny moments:
So I had to find a way to convince Nana that she should get her hair did before Saturday afternoon without raising suspicion. Her hair lady was on vacay and Nana had decided she could "let it go" another week. Problem? She looked like a crackhead, her delicate snow white curls fraying in every possible direction. My solution was to lie to her and say, "Surprise! We are getting a family portrait made Saturday afternoon." She totally bought it.
My aunt washed, dried, and "set" (I don't understand the processes involved in old lady hair) Nana's twig, put her in a fancy skirt suit, and off they went to meet me and Dad out "for lunch." Approximatley 70 people had assembled at Nana's home away from home, the church. Even with balloons tied to the front entrance, she still didn't get it. When we walked in, everyone began singing Happy Birthday and she started to cry :(. When we were cutting the cake, she said she'd like to say something to the guests, and after rambling for a few minutes, she ended with the sweetest line I've ever heard Nana say, "All of my favorite people are here. I need to make this last forever." How cute is that?
Now considering it was just a birthday party filled with purchased-en-masse Sam's Club hors d'ouerves and ginger ale punch, I can think of a few things I'd rather make last forever. But Nana loved it, and the St. Paul's rednecks loved it perhaps even more!
The only other totally hilarious thing to share regarding the party is: Apparently a few of the church members are "upset" they were left off the invitation list. Keep in mind these are totally ancillary people in Nana's life who probably couldn't name the last time they've called or stopped in to see Nana. Several women did their best to plant this seed about being upset to Elsie, knowing she would gossip about it and it would get back to me. Isn't that sneaky? When I heard the name of one of the upset women, I made sure to let Elsie know I intentionally left that woman off the list because, surprise again!, she is a nosy bitch cloaked in Southern propriety. Hopefully that makes its way back to her as quickly as it got to me.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Nana
I LOVE THIS EMAIL.
Saving and marking as "important."
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Nana
Sorry I haven't responded before now about the party ... thanks for remembering though! It was a huge success. A major joint effort: C manned the kitchen per usual, his mom made a Happy Birthday banner for me, R came to help me set up, and my dad policed the premises (not kidding) in order to ... keep us safe from church robbers?
A couple of funny moments:
So I had to find a way to convince Nana that she should get her hair did before Saturday afternoon without raising suspicion. Her hair lady was on vacay and Nana had decided she could "let it go" another week. Problem? She looked like a crackhead, her delicate snow white curls fraying in every possible direction. My solution was to lie to her and say, "Surprise! We are getting a family portrait made Saturday afternoon." She totally bought it.
My aunt washed, dried, and "set" (I don't understand the processes involved in old lady hair) Nana's twig, put her in a fancy skirt suit, and off they went to meet me and Dad out "for lunch." Approximatley 70 people had assembled at Nana's home away from home, the church. Even with balloons tied to the front entrance, she still didn't get it. When we walked in, everyone began singing Happy Birthday and she started to cry :(. When we were cutting the cake, she said she'd like to say something to the guests, and after rambling for a few minutes, she ended with the sweetest line I've ever heard Nana say, "All of my favorite people are here. I need to make this last forever." How cute is that?
Now considering it was just a birthday party filled with purchased-en-masse Sam's Club hors d'ouerves and ginger ale punch, I can think of a few things I'd rather make last forever. But Nana loved it, and the St. Paul's rednecks loved it perhaps even more!
The only other totally hilarious thing to share regarding the party is: Apparently a few of the church members are "upset" they were left off the invitation list. Keep in mind these are totally ancillary people in Nana's life who probably couldn't name the last time they've called or stopped in to see Nana. Several women did their best to plant this seed about being upset to Elsie, knowing she would gossip about it and it would get back to me. Isn't that sneaky? When I heard the name of one of the upset women, I made sure to let Elsie know I intentionally left that woman off the list because, surprise again!, she is a nosy bitch cloaked in Southern propriety. Hopefully that makes its way back to her as quickly as it got to me.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Nana
I LOVE THIS EMAIL.
Saving and marking as "important."
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving, Sherrie.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: This Thanksgiving
M and I got home from Indianapolis last night - round trip 20 hours in the car. 20. All in all it was a good trip, just a lot of travel time. We saw M's Grandma, two uncles, aunt, and cousins.
M's Grandma - Norma - is 84 and talks about 84 million times in an hour. She seriously NEVER stops talking. She is so so sweet and always wants to be part of the action, so she just talks. Even when she has no idea what's going on ... she just talks. She also calls me Sherrie, almost exclusively. Fifty percent of the time she catches herself and then immediately calls me by the right name. She introduced me to her neighbors at the mall as her "friend Sherrie." When she isn't talking, she is mouthing things silently from across the room. Things like, "Do you want apple cider?" (Insert no mouth noise, just extremely animated facial features and lots of hand waving.)
We did go to a bar called Daddy Jacks that would have KILLED you all. M renamed the place Granddaddy Jacks because it was a haven of Sugar Daddies and Cougars (just in age, there were no young men there). We were the youngest people there by 15 years. A granddaddy named George took a liking to Sherrie and would not leave me alone. He was tubby, wore a sweater vest, and flew in that day on his own jet.
From: nk@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
Sherrie, that Thanksgiving sounds amazing.
I'm going out on a limb here, but she isn't Asian is she?
ROR!
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
HAHAHA. M's Asian grandma! That is the greatest mental image ever!
From: nk@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
I tried to find an actual image to help solidify that mental picture. FAIL!
Warning: do not try to google image search Asian redhead.
From: lb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
Sherrie, did you listen to any books on tape during your 20 hour journey?
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
UGH. Unfortunately, no. We listened to my little Asian mother-in-law's Prime Country station on Sirius. Even Sherrie has her limits.
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: This Thanksgiving
M and I got home from Indianapolis last night - round trip 20 hours in the car. 20. All in all it was a good trip, just a lot of travel time. We saw M's Grandma, two uncles, aunt, and cousins.
M's Grandma - Norma - is 84 and talks about 84 million times in an hour. She seriously NEVER stops talking. She is so so sweet and always wants to be part of the action, so she just talks. Even when she has no idea what's going on ... she just talks. She also calls me Sherrie, almost exclusively. Fifty percent of the time she catches herself and then immediately calls me by the right name. She introduced me to her neighbors at the mall as her "friend Sherrie." When she isn't talking, she is mouthing things silently from across the room. Things like, "Do you want apple cider?" (Insert no mouth noise, just extremely animated facial features and lots of hand waving.)
We did go to a bar called Daddy Jacks that would have KILLED you all. M renamed the place Granddaddy Jacks because it was a haven of Sugar Daddies and Cougars (just in age, there were no young men there). We were the youngest people there by 15 years. A granddaddy named George took a liking to Sherrie and would not leave me alone. He was tubby, wore a sweater vest, and flew in that day on his own jet.
From: nk@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
Sherrie, that Thanksgiving sounds amazing.
I'm going out on a limb here, but she isn't Asian is she?
ROR!
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
HAHAHA. M's Asian grandma! That is the greatest mental image ever!
From: nk@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
I tried to find an actual image to help solidify that mental picture. FAIL!
Warning: do not try to google image search Asian redhead.
From: lb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
Sherrie, did you listen to any books on tape during your 20 hour journey?
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: This Thanksgiving
UGH. Unfortunately, no. We listened to my little Asian mother-in-law's Prime Country station on Sirius. Even Sherrie has her limits.
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