c: The song that Mandy Moore sings in that movie where she dies from cancer but only after landing the tough bad boy in high school just came on my Pandora station. I tip my hat to you, Pandora.
me: Fucking amazing. AND HE PLANTS TULIPS OUTSIDE HER WINDOW TO SPROUT BEFORE SHE DIES?! Or is that another movie?
c: Haha, NOPE, thats the one. And he built her a telescope. The song is "Only Hope" if you wanted to YouTube it. I suggest you do.
me: Yesssss
c: OMG, the guy from the movie talks at the end of the song. This is fucking awesome.
Friday, February 26, 2010
It Shouldn't Smell Like That
a: Omg. I am STILL in this coffee shop on my 3rd mug of joe.
me: Oh jesus! You're gonna explode with hyperactivity or crap your pants. Or that's what I would do.
a: I know. And I don't want to get up and go to the bathroom because all my shit's on the table
me: I am soooo bad about that stuff and will have to change my ways.
a: I'm a little gun shy considering I've lost 2 electronics so far this year. L will tan your hide for that.
me: L is going to tan my hide for a lot, methinks.
a: Omg, it just started smelling like dog diarrhea in here. Might be time to move on.
me: OH JESUS. lolz.
me: Oh jesus! You're gonna explode with hyperactivity or crap your pants. Or that's what I would do.
a: I know. And I don't want to get up and go to the bathroom because all my shit's on the table
me: I am soooo bad about that stuff and will have to change my ways.
a: I'm a little gun shy considering I've lost 2 electronics so far this year. L will tan your hide for that.
me: L is going to tan my hide for a lot, methinks.
a: Omg, it just started smelling like dog diarrhea in here. Might be time to move on.
me: OH JESUS. lolz.
No, I Don't Watch Seinfeld
c: So I just tried canceling my date with Beardo. And he was going to suprise me with tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld tonight.
me: DO NOT CANCEL.
c: Haha, whoaaaa. Why?
me: Because Jerry Seinfeld is so lame that it will be the most hilarious date ever and then we can giggle about it.
c: Omg, I thought I was the only one who hates Seinfeld! Everyone's judging me.
me: I LOATHE him.
c: Omg, that's why we are friends.
me: Everyone is always like, "I can't believe you don't watch Seinfeld! I thought that was completely up your alley!" And then I never want to speak to that person again.
c: I HATE SEINFELD. I think Elaine is the most obnoxious person ever.
me: Hahahahhahah, our anger is boiling over. In regard to Jerry fucking Seinfeld.
c: Jerry is creepy. And George is a pedophile.
me: And Jerry's intonation when he talks: duh duh DUH duh duh. duh DUH.
c: He told me he got the tickets in anticipation of me being like, "OMFG balasuidnvaiesr thank you can I have your babies?" But really i was like,"Oh ... that's special."
me: Balasuidnvaiesr = new favorite word.
c: I sort of liked this guy. Now that I know his true colors (Seinfeld), it'll never work.
me: Well, some people I like enjoy Seinfeld and I just have to learn to get past it.
c: Like I said yesterday ... you are more giving with your love.
me: You are the only person in the world to classify me as that instead of a black-hearted bitch. Well, probably my mom would say that about me.
c: Birds of a feather flock together, my pet.
me: DO NOT CANCEL.
c: Haha, whoaaaa. Why?
me: Because Jerry Seinfeld is so lame that it will be the most hilarious date ever and then we can giggle about it.
c: Omg, I thought I was the only one who hates Seinfeld! Everyone's judging me.
me: I LOATHE him.
c: Omg, that's why we are friends.
me: Everyone is always like, "I can't believe you don't watch Seinfeld! I thought that was completely up your alley!" And then I never want to speak to that person again.
c: I HATE SEINFELD. I think Elaine is the most obnoxious person ever.
me: Hahahahhahah, our anger is boiling over. In regard to Jerry fucking Seinfeld.
c: Jerry is creepy. And George is a pedophile.
me: And Jerry's intonation when he talks: duh duh DUH duh duh. duh DUH.
c: He told me he got the tickets in anticipation of me being like, "OMFG balasuidnvaiesr thank you can I have your babies?" But really i was like,"Oh ... that's special."
me: Balasuidnvaiesr = new favorite word.
c: I sort of liked this guy. Now that I know his true colors (Seinfeld), it'll never work.
me: Well, some people I like enjoy Seinfeld and I just have to learn to get past it.
c: Like I said yesterday ... you are more giving with your love.
me: You are the only person in the world to classify me as that instead of a black-hearted bitch. Well, probably my mom would say that about me.
c: Birds of a feather flock together, my pet.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Honest Question
From: me@email.com
To: nw@email.com
Subject: Question
If CW can't see, why is he always on Facebook?
This email is not a joke.
From: nw@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Question
Hahahahahhahahahha. He can see if he's really close to something. So I assume he just gets really close to it.
To: nw@email.com
Subject: Question
If CW can't see, why is he always on Facebook?
This email is not a joke.
From: nw@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Question
Hahahahahhahahahha. He can see if he's really close to something. So I assume he just gets really close to it.
Meet Our Son, Balls
a: This indie guy and his wife have a toddler and I can't even pronounce his name: Kjonaas.
me: Stop it.
a: How "indie" is that?
me: KJONAAS! It's not even a word!
a: I know! Wtf.
me: K and j don't go together.
a: Maybe in the Slavic world.
me: If it's "Jonas" that is extremely ridiculous and unnecessary.
a: I typed it into Miriam Webster to see if i could get a pronunciation and it came back with "cojones." ha.
me: HAHA
a: "This is our son: Balls."
me: You're fucking killing me.
me: Stop it.
a: How "indie" is that?
me: KJONAAS! It's not even a word!
a: I know! Wtf.
me: K and j don't go together.
a: Maybe in the Slavic world.
me: If it's "Jonas" that is extremely ridiculous and unnecessary.
a: I typed it into Miriam Webster to see if i could get a pronunciation and it came back with "cojones." ha.
me: HAHA
a: "This is our son: Balls."
me: You're fucking killing me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
S vs. T
l: I totally just made fun of D for thinking that taxes were exciting. Is it too soon for that kind of teasing?
me: Are you guys sexting?
l: If you replace the "s" with a "t," then yes.
me: When are you meeting up again?
l: Not for a while.
me: Do you sext every day?
l: We Texted all day on Tuesday, and then started again today.
me: ALL DAY?
l: No making fun. You know I can't handle teasing.
me: I'm not making fun! I'm just amazed that you're Sexting to such an extent! It's awesome! Remember, though, this is Tour de Whore 2010. Not Meet My Soulmate 2010.
l: Well, don't worry about me. I'm not looking to settle down with my soulmate right now. Just looking to have fun and enjoy life. Whatever happens, happens.
me: SEX HAPPENS.
me: Are you guys sexting?
l: If you replace the "s" with a "t," then yes.
me: When are you meeting up again?
l: Not for a while.
me: Do you sext every day?
l: We Texted all day on Tuesday, and then started again today.
me: ALL DAY?
l: No making fun. You know I can't handle teasing.
me: I'm not making fun! I'm just amazed that you're Sexting to such an extent! It's awesome! Remember, though, this is Tour de Whore 2010. Not Meet My Soulmate 2010.
l: Well, don't worry about me. I'm not looking to settle down with my soulmate right now. Just looking to have fun and enjoy life. Whatever happens, happens.
me: SEX HAPPENS.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dating. No, Thanks.
c: I just agreed to a date for Friday. That I will cancel. But still thought you should know.
me: With T?
c: No. With a man who is saved in my phone as "Beardo."
me: You are a woman about the town!
c: No, I'm a woman who digs a creepy hole underneath town, only to peer through storm grates to peek at real life as I cook cats on a spit in my rat dungeon.
me: Hahahahahhaa
c: Hence why I just accepted a date I know I will cancel on. Cause THAT makes sense.
me: Wise beyond your years.
me: With T?
c: No. With a man who is saved in my phone as "Beardo."
me: You are a woman about the town!
c: No, I'm a woman who digs a creepy hole underneath town, only to peer through storm grates to peek at real life as I cook cats on a spit in my rat dungeon.
me: Hahahahahhaa
c: Hence why I just accepted a date I know I will cancel on. Cause THAT makes sense.
me: Wise beyond your years.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Secret Lives of Janitors
a: I went to the bathroom and saw that the Yellow Pages dudes had dropped off new phone books in bags outside of every office door today. And I laughed out loud when I looked down and they had left one in front of the janitor's closest that is clearly labeled "Janitor." I pictured the cleaning crew opening up the door and the tiny closet magically stretching into a large office and the staff making phone calls with brooms and mops around them. ha
me: HA! You just had like an Alice in Wonderland moment.
a: Totally.
me: HA! You just had like an Alice in Wonderland moment.
a: Totally.
Not Compatible
c: Did I tell you when he called me at 9 fucking AM on Sunday to make sure I was still his "valentine" he asked me what I was doing and I said, "Umm, I was sleeping. What about you?"
His response ... cutting carrots. Wrap your mind around that one.
His response ... cutting carrots. Wrap your mind around that one.
So It Goes
a: Self-esteem booster of the day: I'm getting a mani (I broke down), and the woman lifts up my sleeves to apply lotion and says, "Oohhh, we have arm wax. You be silky smooth." I say, "It's not a big deal. They turn blond in the summer..."
Friday, February 12, 2010
Typing Noises
a: Pro of waiting to buy a 2010 wall calendar until mid-February: All calendars are on sale for $1. Con of waiting until mid-February: I had to choose between the following gems:
me: Doo doooo do do dooo do do do doooooo. (That was the Harry Potter theme song.)
a: Ding ding ding! I'm looking at a picture of Ron staring dreamily into space when he's in lurve with Lavender in Half-blood Prince. (You know, b/c February is the month for lovers.)
me: Do you know how long I had to hum the song in my head and decide on the number of o's to put in each dooo?
a: lolz. Like when i was trying to figure out the exact duh's and bum's for the Law & Order theme song. It's hard.
me: hahahahhaaha. Duh duh bum bum bum bum. bum. Almost forgot that last one.
a: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUH DUHHHHH
me: HAHHAHA
a: We should take this buh dum show on the road. "A and M Hum Your Favorite Theme Songs."
me: Buh dum dum. Get it?
a: I had the same joke in my head. Oh sigh, I kill me.
- Hannah Montana
- Jonas Bros.
- Harry Potter
- Bichon Frises
- Robert Pattinson
me: Doo doooo do do dooo do do do doooooo. (That was the Harry Potter theme song.)
a: Ding ding ding! I'm looking at a picture of Ron staring dreamily into space when he's in lurve with Lavender in Half-blood Prince. (You know, b/c February is the month for lovers.)
me: Do you know how long I had to hum the song in my head and decide on the number of o's to put in each dooo?
a: lolz. Like when i was trying to figure out the exact duh's and bum's for the Law & Order theme song. It's hard.
me: hahahahhaaha. Duh duh bum bum bum bum. bum. Almost forgot that last one.
a: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUH DUHHHHH
me: HAHHAHA
a: We should take this buh dum show on the road. "A and M Hum Your Favorite Theme Songs."
me: Buh dum dum. Get it?
a: I had the same joke in my head. Oh sigh, I kill me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I Swoon for My Friends
l: Okay, go write, my love.
me: I love you.
l: Love you more. :)
me: Never possible. < 3
me: I love you.
l: Love you more. :)
me: Never possible. < 3
Succubi
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Day one of the new job yesterday was great but I worked until 11:30 - crazy times getting ready for this trip!
See below, I tried to be nice but was not on my A-game. That's my funny snafu of the day.
Love you!
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Oh my god. That is an amazing email.
I had to look up succubus on www.wordnik.com: noun A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
I took it from South Park. Clearly I butchered the meaning, but the demon part I got right.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Side note: I've read paranormal/fantasy books where succubi are characters. Bam.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Your bf cracks me up. By the way, husband just told me that sometimes I am too hard on him. Well, that's not how he worded it.
Husband: "You ride me like a fifth grade wedgie."
Me: "You are a fifth grade wedgie."
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Day one of the new job yesterday was great but I worked until 11:30 - crazy times getting ready for this trip!
See below, I tried to be nice but was not on my A-game. That's my funny snafu of the day.
Love you!
From: boyfriend@email.com
To: mh@email.com
Subject: Dear
I love you much, but this morning I thought you tried to poison me. My coffee reeks of soap, and when I opened the cap, there were soap bubbles everywhere. I’m not even sure you rinsed it! With those kinds of mugs it’s better to use soap the night before so that it’s thoroughly rinsed; I almost gagged on my drive to work. It tasted like coffee-flavored cleanliness.
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Oh my god. That is an amazing email.
I had to look up succubus on www.wordnik.com: noun A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
I took it from South Park. Clearly I butchered the meaning, but the demon part I got right.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Side note: I've read paranormal/fantasy books where succubi are characters. Bam.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Your bf cracks me up. By the way, husband just told me that sometimes I am too hard on him. Well, that's not how he worded it.
Husband: "You ride me like a fifth grade wedgie."
Me: "You are a fifth grade wedgie."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Drinking Timeline
me: You can tell your friend that 40 people have looked at her drawing. I can attach her email to it if she wants work referrals.c: Hahaha, she will be so pleased!
me: I can't stop looking at it. It fucking kills me. Because you ALWAYS fall down. A la into the toilet at Town Tavern.
c: Omg, I forgot about that. And that's a testament to how much of a shit show the rest of the night was if I was able to forget about falling face first into a toilet in DC.
me: I loved that night.
c: YOU did not wake up next to naked braces. In fact, you basically sacrificed me upon that altar. "I need five minutes to be the big spoon."
me: Hahahhahahahaha, I bee-lined for the couch downstairs before he could even finish asking me if he could do that.
c: Thanks, friend.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Weather = Panic
me: Early models show snow during the day Friday with accumulations, according to M.
p: I'm really worried about this. I feel like it could drastically turn. If I get stuck at this place, someone might have to die.
p: I'm really worried about this. I feel like it could drastically turn. If I get stuck at this place, someone might have to die.
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