The Boy Whom She Does Not Dislike

me: I heard he stayed at your apartment and installed a ceiling fan and cooked you dinner whilst you golfed. That is major Not Dislike.

e: We're a 1950s couple in reverse.

Whatever Happened to Predictability?

(919) Totally! U got it dude

(804) Your Michelle Tanner shit is cracking me up

(919) I live in SF after all. I would probably love her cleaning belt

Brilliant Photo Retrospective

From: lb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: A task for L

Once I've been a profesh photographer worthy of publishing a book of my life's work (think Anne Geddes coffee table book. jk), I will need a profesh writer to detail my life and how I came to be LBC, Inc. You ready?


From: mc@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: A task for L

CHALLENGE ON! We are going places, my little friend!


From: nw@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: A task for L

L, how about you do a "Where Are They Now?" version of the Anne Geddes books with the original babies as they are now. I'd love to see some hairy fat man with butterfly wings sitting on the palm of somebody's hand.


From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: A task for L

That is one of the most brilliant things you've ever said, N.

Just Checking

a: How do you feel about skydiving?

me: I wouldn't do it for $100 million dollars. I don't even like the feeling you get in your stomach from roller coasters.

a: That's what I thought. Just checking.

Choose Wisely

c: My coworker M just said "I don't want R's dad to die because then she has to choose between my wedding and his funeral."

me: Shut up.

c: Well, fatty, don't worry about getting your wedding blessed by Jesus during the ceremony because you're going to hell.

me: Hold please, blogging.

c: Wait ... she just followed it up with "I mean, of course I don't want him to die. I didn't mean to sound selfish. He used to bring us cold Taco Bell in the mornings when I would stay the night over there in high school." Insert me ... jaw dropped.

me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

c: I do not have a response.

Shitty

From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Shitzu

No sooner do we arrive home last night when I get saddled with a lost Shitzu in my neighborhood (who C has affectionately, albeit uncreatively, dubbed "Shitty"). My stepmom found him wandering in the neighborhood so she opened the car door and called to him to get him out of the road. Well, Shitty hopped right into her car. After trying unsuccessfully to find Shitty's parents, I hung signs at 11pm in the neighborhood and brought Shitty home to the our residence. What should I do with a male Shitzu who responds to Shitty and wears a knock-off Burberry collar? I am getting ready to call Animal Control to see if anyone has reported a lost dog.


From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu

You do what any normal person would do. You buy him a tiny tuxedo and have Olan Mills posed portraits made of him, which you promptly hang throughout your home. Then you keep him and love Shitty like your own.


From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu

I just choked on my Tropical Cafe Smoothie. He would look damn handsome in a mini tux.


From: nw@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu

I fucking hate Shitzus. Just the other day, I watched an episode of Dogs 101 that my mom had recorded that featured Shitzus, thinking it might make me like them more. But I don't; they're ugly and have goopy eyes.

Worse Than Crazy: Knowing You're Crazy

c: Ugh, Megan Fox, just shut your fucking mouth, stand there and look hot and pout. That's your only role in life.

me: Her head is getting BUSY.
I mean BIG. I don't know what made me type busy.

c: And all in caps too. That took energy.

me: I think I'm losing my mind. I couldn't find my speedometer yesterday on my way to work for the life of me.

c: Haha, WHAT? Did you steal a car?

me: No! It was my car! I was looking at a different set of controls and wondering why they were all staying steady when my speed was going up and down. And my heart started to race because I knew I was crazy. And then I snapped out of it and realized the speedometer was the huge circle to the right.

Then that night I used some butter and stored it in the microwave when I was done.

c: Hahahahahaha, M you are going insane.

me: Wait, there's one more.

c: You're one step into dementia.

me: Ever since I woke up this morning, I've been steering to the right when I walk. I first noticed when I was headed for my alarm clock this morning and ended up at the coat rack. Veering off course all day like a grocery cart with a wonky wheel.

c: And are you sure you didnt have a stroke?

me: There's no telling.

c: Or are you a kitten and did someone cut off your whiskers?

me: BAH! Kittens don't forget where their speedometers are. And they wouldn't store butter. They'd just eat it.