Saturday Afternoon Massage

j: Can I tell you about my massage on Saturday?

me: Please!

j: I found the guy off www.yelp.com. All of the 12 reviews were total raves about this guy D.

me: Love you some yelp … go on.

j: And intriguing to boot … one post said "He climbed on top of my table and started making ‘whoosing’ noises halfway through the massage." Yes, please.

me: YESSSSSSSS

j: So I decided to try him out. He massaged away for TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES. And charged me 60 dollars.

me: Shut your mouth.

j: He jumped on the table. "Squished" my pelvis in order to "release the flutters in my back."

me: This must be spiritual for him. Or maybe he steals bits of your soul as he massages. So, hey $60 for a two-hour massage is nothing when you get 1/4 of J’s soul! "The flutters!"

j: Fucking hysterical, and highly effective. I'm in love.

me: Did you go to his home? And did he burn sage around you?

j: Ha, hardly home.

me: A tent in Felatio Park?

j: He has a eeentsy weentsy one room space in the Bally's gym 3 blocks from my house.

HA, yes he threw down some tarp and covered it in peen juice to make me feel at home. I LOVE that you just quoted Felatio Park. But it turns out this guy was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.

me: Hahahhahah, so he expelled your flutters as you laid in a pool of peen juice on a tarp? You sound like Micahel K right now.

j: Exactly. It was divine. Oh god. www.dllisted.com has infiltrated.

me: Ok, I'm being serious now. How old is he now? And does he massage the ADHD out of his body himself?

j: Uhh, not quite. He forgot three times in two hours that I was a med student (not that I cared one bit), and kept asking how it was that I knew the muscle names in your back. Then he offered me half of his uneaten avocado stuck in a dirty cup. AND when I was trying to find somewhere to spit out my gum (because I knew it'd get old during the massage), he insisted that I give it to him.

me: This just keeps getting better.

j: Like, wouldn't take no for an answer. Alas, I passed along my extra sticky strawberry mint Orbitz right into the palm of his hand. SO BIZARRE. I can't wait to go back.

me: Have you scheduled an appointment already?

j: No I've decided I am really intrigued by acupuncture and want to give it a whirl, so I'm going to try that next.

me: God, I love you.