From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Shitzu
No sooner do we arrive home last night when I get saddled with a lost Shitzu in my neighborhood (who C has affectionately, albeit uncreatively, dubbed "Shitty"). My stepmom found him wandering in the neighborhood so she opened the car door and called to him to get him out of the road. Well, Shitty hopped right into her car. After trying unsuccessfully to find Shitty's parents, I hung signs at 11pm in the neighborhood and brought Shitty home to the our residence. What should I do with a male Shitzu who responds to Shitty and wears a knock-off Burberry collar? I am getting ready to call Animal Control to see if anyone has reported a lost dog.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu
You do what any normal person would do. You buy him a tiny tuxedo and have Olan Mills posed portraits made of him, which you promptly hang throughout your home. Then you keep him and love Shitty like your own.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu
I just choked on my Tropical Cafe Smoothie. He would look damn handsome in a mini tux.
From: nw@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Shitzu
I fucking hate Shitzus. Just the other day, I watched an episode of Dogs 101 that my mom had recorded that featured Shitzus, thinking it might make me like them more. But I don't; they're ugly and have goopy eyes.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Worse Than Crazy: Knowing You're Crazy
c: Ugh, Megan Fox, just shut your fucking mouth, stand there and look hot and pout. That's your only role in life.
me: Her head is getting BUSY.
I mean BIG. I don't know what made me type busy.
c: And all in caps too. That took energy.
me: I think I'm losing my mind. I couldn't find my speedometer yesterday on my way to work for the life of me.
c: Haha, WHAT? Did you steal a car?
me: No! It was my car! I was looking at a different set of controls and wondering why they were all staying steady when my speed was going up and down. And my heart started to race because I knew I was crazy. And then I snapped out of it and realized the speedometer was the huge circle to the right.
Then that night I used some butter and stored it in the microwave when I was done.
c: Hahahahahaha, M you are going insane.
me: Wait, there's one more.
c: You're one step into dementia.
me: Ever since I woke up this morning, I've been steering to the right when I walk. I first noticed when I was headed for my alarm clock this morning and ended up at the coat rack. Veering off course all day like a grocery cart with a wonky wheel.
c: And are you sure you didnt have a stroke?
me: There's no telling.
c: Or are you a kitten and did someone cut off your whiskers?
me: BAH! Kittens don't forget where their speedometers are. And they wouldn't store butter. They'd just eat it.
me: Her head is getting BUSY.
I mean BIG. I don't know what made me type busy.
c: And all in caps too. That took energy.
me: I think I'm losing my mind. I couldn't find my speedometer yesterday on my way to work for the life of me.
c: Haha, WHAT? Did you steal a car?
me: No! It was my car! I was looking at a different set of controls and wondering why they were all staying steady when my speed was going up and down. And my heart started to race because I knew I was crazy. And then I snapped out of it and realized the speedometer was the huge circle to the right.
Then that night I used some butter and stored it in the microwave when I was done.
c: Hahahahahaha, M you are going insane.
me: Wait, there's one more.
c: You're one step into dementia.
me: Ever since I woke up this morning, I've been steering to the right when I walk. I first noticed when I was headed for my alarm clock this morning and ended up at the coat rack. Veering off course all day like a grocery cart with a wonky wheel.
c: And are you sure you didnt have a stroke?
me: There's no telling.
c: Or are you a kitten and did someone cut off your whiskers?
me: BAH! Kittens don't forget where their speedometers are. And they wouldn't store butter. They'd just eat it.
Snill Sniggling
m: Alright, here I go. Ruv you, snupcake.
me: Ruv you, sniendlie.
m: Have fun at the snarty! We are going to Snappy Snour tonight.
me: God, I love the "sn" game.
m: It makes me sniggle.
me: HA
m: Later, sniend.
me: Ruv you, sniendlie.
m: Have fun at the snarty! We are going to Snappy Snour tonight.
me: God, I love the "sn" game.
m: It makes me sniggle.
me: HA
m: Later, sniend.
The Little Guy in a Tux
To: thegirls@email.com
From: ac@email.com
Subject: (no subject)
Anybody want to take my place moving today/tomorrow? I fucking hate moving. And I'm hemorrhaging money with all the shit I'm buying.
I wish Baby Jesus would come down and solve all of my problems in his tuxedo t-shirt.
(P.S. I had to look up how to spell hemorrhage b/c I couldn't figure it out for the life of me.)
From: ac@email.com
Subject: (no subject)
Anybody want to take my place moving today/tomorrow? I fucking hate moving. And I'm hemorrhaging money with all the shit I'm buying.
I wish Baby Jesus would come down and solve all of my problems in his tuxedo t-shirt.
(P.S. I had to look up how to spell hemorrhage b/c I couldn't figure it out for the life of me.)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Community Service with J.C.
c: My brother is working at a children's bible study day camp for his community service. He just text messaged me.
me: That ain't right.
c: They are having him play Jesus in a skit they are performing.
me: STOP IT.
c: Swear. It's across the street.
me: Please go watch.
c: They are all wearing t-shirts that say: "Let the light of Jesus in." My brother is wearing a t-shirt from a bar.
me: This is too rich.
c: He just texted me saying: "I don't say shit; they just throw trash bags on me."
me: HAAAAAAAAA
c: I do not remember trash bag throwing as a part of the crucifixion of Jesus.
me: When did that happen to Jesus?!
c: I'm saying. This is a cruel joke.
me: No, it's an amazing turn of events, is what it is.
c: I just asked if I could come watch, or if I'd look like a pedophile as a lone adult showing up in a room of tots.
me: Either way, I'm confident it would be worth it.
c: I just asked what the trash bags are for and he said: "The bags are their sins. I'm done talking about this shit. I don't do religion well."
me: Your brother is money.
c: He said if I go, he will tell the children I'm the devil to attack. I'm going.
me: You realize your brother has the same initials as our man Jesus.
c: So what you're saying is ... this role has been waiting for him for 20 years.
me: Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.
me: That ain't right.
c: They are having him play Jesus in a skit they are performing.
me: STOP IT.
c: Swear. It's across the street.
me: Please go watch.
c: They are all wearing t-shirts that say: "Let the light of Jesus in." My brother is wearing a t-shirt from a bar.
me: This is too rich.
c: He just texted me saying: "I don't say shit; they just throw trash bags on me."
me: HAAAAAAAAA
c: I do not remember trash bag throwing as a part of the crucifixion of Jesus.
me: When did that happen to Jesus?!
c: I'm saying. This is a cruel joke.
me: No, it's an amazing turn of events, is what it is.
c: I just asked if I could come watch, or if I'd look like a pedophile as a lone adult showing up in a room of tots.
me: Either way, I'm confident it would be worth it.
c: I just asked what the trash bags are for and he said: "The bags are their sins. I'm done talking about this shit. I don't do religion well."
me: Your brother is money.
c: He said if I go, he will tell the children I'm the devil to attack. I'm going.
me: You realize your brother has the same initials as our man Jesus.
c: So what you're saying is ... this role has been waiting for him for 20 years.
me: Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
S.B., Esquire
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Strapless bras
I hate them so much. I just took mine off at work and stuffed it in my top desk drawer ...
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Strapless bras
I hate them so much. I just took mine off at work and stuffed it in my top desk drawer ...
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Epic: A Story for All Generations
a: You're back at work?
me: Yup.
a: Sweet.
me: Haha, totally.
a: I'm so bored today.
me: NO motivation. And I still feel drugged.
a: ha ha.
me: Yesterday when they first put the meds in I felt soooo good. Like when people tell you the crazy thoughts they have on mushrooms? I looked at the nurse and said, "If I was this calm all the time, I could conquer the world."
a: Wanna hear something funny? Story involving drinking with the fam in FL?
me: Of course.
a: HA. i was just reading your calm story. That's hilarious.
me: Tell me your story.
a: Ok, so my little bro, my cousin (with the kid and the baby on the way with ex-wife/reconciled wife) and my other cousin were all around this weekend ... So Sunday rolls around and me, my parents and Nana and Papaw go to a bar for lunch and start drinking around 1:30pm.
me: HA! I love this story already.
a: We play pool, have some beers then decide to go to another bar called Stan's ... picture the most redneck outdoor bar you can think of and that's it. Live music, people on Harleys ...
me: In my head, I'm going to call it Bar Louie.
a: Sure, why not. While there, I purchased two koozies that are brown paper bags with insulation. Classic.
me: Ohmygod! I love it!
a: There was also a hand painted sign that said "Mullet Contests." So my cousins meet my family and Nana at Stan's.
me: Keeps getting better ...
a: We proceed to drink a lot until about 6 or 7, when we then all pile into one Volkswagen Toureg and head BACK to the bar we were at before. Stepdad bails at this point b/c we're getting ridic
me: Hahahhaahhaha
a: Cut to us all at the bar - my mom, Nana, bro and 2 cousins. Well, cousin orders a round of car bombs and leaves me out. After I hurrumph, he apologizes and says, "Sorry, girls don't normally want a car bomb." I hold my tongue and wait for them to arrive. They do and my mom and Nana are instructed to judge the race. I down mine about 5 seconds before any of the boys.
me: Of course you did. Nobody can beat you.
a: Everyone was impressed; I think my mom was a little sad and proud at the same time. Cut to another car bomb and several drinks later ...
me: Like when I graduated from UNC and bartending school the same week?
a: My brother is shitfaced. He is wearing my grandfather's Blueblockers and telling us all that no one can see him when he's got the Blueblockers on.
me: Wheezing at my desk ...
a: We're all dying of laughter for about two hours until he gets super emotional and my mom decides to take him home. So, she goes and Nana stays. Well, there was a table of young gentlemen next to us who I had seen earlier in the afternoon. They, too, came BACK to the bar to drink some more. I strike up a convo with them, and we end up hanging out with them. They ALL start calling Nana "Nana" and try to buy her drinks.
me: Wait, your brother got emotional and had to be taken home?!
a: Yes, he had to be taken home. One down. So we, including Nana, all start playing pool with these guys. I would walk away and one of the guys would come up to me and say, "I'm going to go check on Nana." She was loving the adoption of four boys.
me: BAhahahahhaahh;alskfhsdl;kga
a: Anyhoo, the bar's closing up around 11 or 12 so they invite us to one of the only bars still open on the island. REAL classy - it's called Reflections and is attached to a liquor store. I was literally sitting at the bar and looking into the liquor store. It was awesome. So my cousin now is shitfaced (and can't remember being there) and is trying to put his hat on everyone in the bar and pissing them off while Nana is trying to stop him. Cut to me sitting at the bar with this guy Jay (I think, or maybe it started with a J) who's hitting on me and at this point I think is looking pretty good ... Cousin keeps stumbling up to us and slurring, "That's my cousin." to Jay. After the 5th time, Jay's like, "Yeah, I know. We've talked about it." So these new guys keep walking up to tell me they're going to check on Nana. Nana finally goes home (thank god b/c I got ridic after that). Cut to almost 2 am and I'm making out with J at the bar.
me: Yessssss
a: THANK GOD that was not in front of Nana. I would've been mortified. To sum up the story, we take a cab home and my one cousin is the only one semi-coherent. I get out at my house and my other cousin in his drunkenness follows me and passes out on my bed. I awaken at 5 am to him roaming around the house, knocking all the marble chess pieces off the board on the coffee table, leaving the front door wide open, then trying to pull his pants down and sit in my brother's suitcase.
me: It is not possible for this story to keep getting better.
a: My brother woke up thankfully and caught and stopped him. I finally usher him to the bathroom and wait outside to make sure he goes back to bed ... and when we get back to my room, he hits a pillow and the floor, bites it and takes out the lamp on the dresser. Then he starts snoring so effing loud I can't sleep. Of course my parents wake up and are like, "What the hell's going on?" To wrap up the story, all four of us were deathly hungover the next day and my family got a huge kick out of it. I drank for 12 hours straight.
me: Do you realize how epic this story is?
a: You have no idea. I wish you could've seen it.
...
a: Oh, I just remembered something.
me: Give it.
a: I was trying to punch Jay's number into my phone and I remember him saying, "Let me get yours instead. You're punching in all 8's."
me: You did the impossible. You made the story even better.
me: Yup.
a: Sweet.
me: Haha, totally.
a: I'm so bored today.
me: NO motivation. And I still feel drugged.
a: ha ha.
me: Yesterday when they first put the meds in I felt soooo good. Like when people tell you the crazy thoughts they have on mushrooms? I looked at the nurse and said, "If I was this calm all the time, I could conquer the world."
a: Wanna hear something funny? Story involving drinking with the fam in FL?
me: Of course.
a: HA. i was just reading your calm story. That's hilarious.
me: Tell me your story.
a: Ok, so my little bro, my cousin (with the kid and the baby on the way with ex-wife/reconciled wife) and my other cousin were all around this weekend ... So Sunday rolls around and me, my parents and Nana and Papaw go to a bar for lunch and start drinking around 1:30pm.
me: HA! I love this story already.
a: We play pool, have some beers then decide to go to another bar called Stan's ... picture the most redneck outdoor bar you can think of and that's it. Live music, people on Harleys ...
me: In my head, I'm going to call it Bar Louie.
a: Sure, why not. While there, I purchased two koozies that are brown paper bags with insulation. Classic.
me: Ohmygod! I love it!
a: There was also a hand painted sign that said "Mullet Contests." So my cousins meet my family and Nana at Stan's.
me: Keeps getting better ...
a: We proceed to drink a lot until about 6 or 7, when we then all pile into one Volkswagen Toureg and head BACK to the bar we were at before. Stepdad bails at this point b/c we're getting ridic
me: Hahahhaahhaha
a: Cut to us all at the bar - my mom, Nana, bro and 2 cousins. Well, cousin orders a round of car bombs and leaves me out. After I hurrumph, he apologizes and says, "Sorry, girls don't normally want a car bomb." I hold my tongue and wait for them to arrive. They do and my mom and Nana are instructed to judge the race. I down mine about 5 seconds before any of the boys.
me: Of course you did. Nobody can beat you.
a: Everyone was impressed; I think my mom was a little sad and proud at the same time. Cut to another car bomb and several drinks later ...
me: Like when I graduated from UNC and bartending school the same week?
a: My brother is shitfaced. He is wearing my grandfather's Blueblockers and telling us all that no one can see him when he's got the Blueblockers on.
me: Wheezing at my desk ...
a: We're all dying of laughter for about two hours until he gets super emotional and my mom decides to take him home. So, she goes and Nana stays. Well, there was a table of young gentlemen next to us who I had seen earlier in the afternoon. They, too, came BACK to the bar to drink some more. I strike up a convo with them, and we end up hanging out with them. They ALL start calling Nana "Nana" and try to buy her drinks.
me: Wait, your brother got emotional and had to be taken home?!
a: Yes, he had to be taken home. One down. So we, including Nana, all start playing pool with these guys. I would walk away and one of the guys would come up to me and say, "I'm going to go check on Nana." She was loving the adoption of four boys.
me: BAhahahahhaahh;alskfhsdl;kga
a: Anyhoo, the bar's closing up around 11 or 12 so they invite us to one of the only bars still open on the island. REAL classy - it's called Reflections and is attached to a liquor store. I was literally sitting at the bar and looking into the liquor store. It was awesome. So my cousin now is shitfaced (and can't remember being there) and is trying to put his hat on everyone in the bar and pissing them off while Nana is trying to stop him. Cut to me sitting at the bar with this guy Jay (I think, or maybe it started with a J) who's hitting on me and at this point I think is looking pretty good ... Cousin keeps stumbling up to us and slurring, "That's my cousin." to Jay. After the 5th time, Jay's like, "Yeah, I know. We've talked about it." So these new guys keep walking up to tell me they're going to check on Nana. Nana finally goes home (thank god b/c I got ridic after that). Cut to almost 2 am and I'm making out with J at the bar.
me: Yessssss
a: THANK GOD that was not in front of Nana. I would've been mortified. To sum up the story, we take a cab home and my one cousin is the only one semi-coherent. I get out at my house and my other cousin in his drunkenness follows me and passes out on my bed. I awaken at 5 am to him roaming around the house, knocking all the marble chess pieces off the board on the coffee table, leaving the front door wide open, then trying to pull his pants down and sit in my brother's suitcase.
me: It is not possible for this story to keep getting better.
a: My brother woke up thankfully and caught and stopped him. I finally usher him to the bathroom and wait outside to make sure he goes back to bed ... and when we get back to my room, he hits a pillow and the floor, bites it and takes out the lamp on the dresser. Then he starts snoring so effing loud I can't sleep. Of course my parents wake up and are like, "What the hell's going on?" To wrap up the story, all four of us were deathly hungover the next day and my family got a huge kick out of it. I drank for 12 hours straight.
me: Do you realize how epic this story is?
a: You have no idea. I wish you could've seen it.
...
a: Oh, I just remembered something.
me: Give it.
a: I was trying to punch Jay's number into my phone and I remember him saying, "Let me get yours instead. You're punching in all 8's."
me: You did the impossible. You made the story even better.
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