Epic: A Story for All Generations

a: You're back at work?

me: Yup.

a: Sweet.

me: Haha, totally.

a: I'm so bored today.

me: NO motivation. And I still feel drugged.

a: ha ha.

me: Yesterday when they first put the meds in I felt soooo good. Like when people tell you the crazy thoughts they have on mushrooms? I looked at the nurse and said, "If I was this calm all the time, I could conquer the world."

a: Wanna hear something funny? Story involving drinking with the fam in FL?

me: Of course.

a: HA. i was just reading your calm story. That's hilarious.

me: Tell me your story.

a: Ok, so my little bro, my cousin (with the kid and the baby on the way with ex-wife/reconciled wife) and my other cousin were all around this weekend ... So Sunday rolls around and me, my parents and Nana and Papaw go to a bar for lunch and start drinking around 1:30pm.

me: HA! I love this story already.

a: We play pool, have some beers then decide to go to another bar called Stan's ... picture the most redneck outdoor bar you can think of and that's it. Live music, people on Harleys ...

me: In my head, I'm going to call it Bar Louie.

a: Sure, why not. While there, I purchased two koozies that are brown paper bags with insulation. Classic.

me: Ohmygod! I love it!

a: There was also a hand painted sign that said "Mullet Contests." So my cousins meet my family and Nana at Stan's.

me: Keeps getting better ...

a: We proceed to drink a lot until about 6 or 7, when we then all pile into one Volkswagen Toureg and head BACK to the bar we were at before. Stepdad bails at this point b/c we're getting ridic

me: Hahahhaahhaha

a: Cut to us all at the bar - my mom, Nana, bro and 2 cousins. Well, cousin orders a round of car bombs and leaves me out. After I hurrumph, he apologizes and says, "Sorry, girls don't normally want a car bomb." I hold my tongue and wait for them to arrive. They do and my mom and Nana are instructed to judge the race. I down mine about 5 seconds before any of the boys.

me: Of course you did. Nobody can beat you.

a: Everyone was impressed; I think my mom was a little sad and proud at the same time. Cut to another car bomb and several drinks later ...

me: Like when I graduated from UNC and bartending school the same week?

a: My brother is shitfaced. He is wearing my grandfather's Blueblockers and telling us all that no one can see him when he's got the Blueblockers on.

me: Wheezing at my desk ...

a: We're all dying of laughter for about two hours until he gets super emotional and my mom decides to take him home. So, she goes and Nana stays. Well, there was a table of young gentlemen next to us who I had seen earlier in the afternoon. They, too, came BACK to the bar to drink some more. I strike up a convo with them, and we end up hanging out with them. They ALL start calling Nana "Nana" and try to buy her drinks.

me: Wait, your brother got emotional and had to be taken home?!

a: Yes, he had to be taken home. One down. So we, including Nana, all start playing pool with these guys. I would walk away and one of the guys would come up to me and say, "I'm going to go check on Nana." She was loving the adoption of four boys.

me: BAhahahahhaahh;alskfhsdl;kga

a: Anyhoo, the bar's closing up around 11 or 12 so they invite us to one of the only bars still open on the island. REAL classy - it's called Reflections and is attached to a liquor store. I was literally sitting at the bar and looking into the liquor store. It was awesome. So my cousin now is shitfaced (and can't remember being there) and is trying to put his hat on everyone in the bar and pissing them off while Nana is trying to stop him. Cut to me sitting at the bar with this guy Jay (I think, or maybe it started with a J) who's hitting on me and at this point I think is looking pretty good ... Cousin keeps stumbling up to us and slurring, "That's my cousin." to Jay. After the 5th time, Jay's like, "Yeah, I know. We've talked about it." So these new guys keep walking up to tell me they're going to check on Nana. Nana finally goes home (thank god b/c I got ridic after that). Cut to almost 2 am and I'm making out with J at the bar.

me: Yessssss

a: THANK GOD that was not in front of Nana. I would've been mortified. To sum up the story, we take a cab home and my one cousin is the only one semi-coherent. I get out at my house and my other cousin in his drunkenness follows me and passes out on my bed. I awaken at 5 am to him roaming around the house, knocking all the marble chess pieces off the board on the coffee table, leaving the front door wide open, then trying to pull his pants down and sit in my brother's suitcase.

me: It is not possible for this story to keep getting better.

a: My brother woke up thankfully and caught and stopped him. I finally usher him to the bathroom and wait outside to make sure he goes back to bed ... and when we get back to my room, he hits a pillow and the floor, bites it and takes out the lamp on the dresser. Then he starts snoring so effing loud I can't sleep. Of course my parents wake up and are like, "What the hell's going on?" To wrap up the story, all four of us were deathly hungover the next day and my family got a huge kick out of it. I drank for 12 hours straight.

me: Do you realize how epic this story is?

a: You have no idea. I wish you could've seen it.

...

a: Oh, I just remembered something.

me: Give it.

a: I was trying to punch Jay's number into my phone and I remember him saying, "Let me get yours instead. You're punching in all 8's."

me: You did the impossible. You made the story even better.