Everything Comes Back to the Bowels

c: Sidenote: I have been having the urge to vom all day ... and I just burped, and it went away.

me: Ha! Your own homeopathic remedy.

c: Yup.

me: You're practically a guest writer for GOOP.

c: At first I was concerned that I was hungover from my three glasses of "Happy Birthday, Mom" wine. Which had me more worried that my tolerance had significantly diminished ... crisis averted. I'm not hungover ... I just have gas. Phew.

me: I had 3 glasses of wine last night. I am hungover. I had to eat Chipotle with carnitas for lunch. Now I feel like a house on wheels. You know, my quick feet being wheels.

c: Well if only you had the Sketcher's work out sneakers on, then you'd be a fly-by house. With a tight bum.

me: I'm thinking of Wizard of Oz now.

c: And now I want Chipotle. But not carnitas. Pork creeps me out.

me: Mmmm, it's so good. Except for the mooshy fat pieces.

c: Welp, there's the nausea again.

Emergency

(804) Everything okay? I missed your call.

(703) Does rye have gluten? Yes, everything is fine.

(804) Haha, yes it does.

Time for Me to Procreate

k: People need to stop procreating!!! It's so stupid and selfish and it's ruining my life.

me: Until I do. Then those babies will be special and it will be obvious they are meant to rule the world.

k: "Special," that's what you meant, right?

me: You got my back. By special I mean creepy.

k: Haha, of course.

me: You know I will have the creepiest kids ever. They won't have any filters on anything they say, nor manners.

k: And I will love them like they were my own.

me: Awwww, that's sweet though!

k: Which means I will try to set rules for them and try to punish them when they are bad and they won't listen to me.

me: Hahahahhaha!

k: Because I'll just be that weird drunk lady that hangs out with mom.

me: HA

k: But I will laugh a lot bossing them around. Oh, what a jolly good time! Please have kids soon. This sounds like so much fun.

me: I'm on it. Just let me find a suitor/male prostitute/sperm donor and your wish is my command.

k: Well, I need to get to work playing Free Cell.

me: Bahahaha, get it.

k: I'll update you on my progress when we take our break. This day is so tough.

me: Good luck. Play for the big win.

Satan's Creatures

p: God, I fucking hate cats:



me: WHY DON"T THEY JUST FIGHT AND GET IT OVER WITH?! I mean, thank god they don't or we wouldn't get to hear those amazing baby wails coming from felines.

p: exCATly. I will never own one of those creatures.

me: God, I hate it when I meet guys and go over to their apartment and they fucking have a cat. It deflates me.

p: Hahaha. Ummm. nah, see ya! I agree. Men with cats is very unsettling.

me: And when they use baby talk. Baby talk to dogs is fine. But cats don't deserve it. And neither does your manhood.

p: .... jsahjal;shdalsjhasjl;hgahgapotwiiopanv

Busted by Lady Gaga

From: lb@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: One question

Is your gmail pic next to your name you as Lady Gaga?


From: me@email.com
To: lb@email.com
Subject: Re: One question

Hot damn, I wish it was me as Lady Gaga. It is simply just Lady Gaga. I change the pic of her out every couple days. Creepy.


From: lb@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: One question

So weird, because it really looks like it could be you dressed up as her.
How do you have so much time on your hands?

Get ... under?

l: She told me I should hook up with him just for fun and because it'd be comfortable for me. But in a platonic way. And she didn't describe it as "hook up."

me: No way, man.

l: She just wants me to get under someone else, basically.

me: You just said, "GET UNDER"! I'm dying.

l: Let's see how many prepositions we can use with the beginning "get." We already know "get in" is fabulous.

me: "Get under" is now famous in my mind.

Bedazzle This

me: I'm about to drop $22 on a Bedazzler on my lunch break. It must be used again after the Lady Gaga panties. You are responsible for thinking of things to bedazzle.

k: My resume.

Your dad.

Nelson Mandela.

The turkey sandwich husbandtown made me.

I could go on and on.

me: HAAAAAa! E is bestowing me with a 50% off coupon! This day is really shaping up to be a winner.