me: I start my creative writing class tonight. I'm askeered.
n: Oooh exciting!!! I didn't know you had registered yet. Way to make a step, that's more than I can ever do.
me: It's 2.5 hours long! I'm afraid there will be in-class exercises that we have to share and I'll freeze and have nothing to contribute.
n: In 8th grade it was required for us to take creative writing ... and I was in a class with this girl who I thought was really cool. She wrote a story about a girl in boarding school who was Jewish but no one knew … and her friends would sit around making Jew jokes (at this point in the story we didn't know she was Jewish either). Then one day she got in her car and drove off a cliff, and they found her body with a Star of David necklace on, and everyone felt bad. I thought it was soooo deep and dark and edgy, so then I tried to write like that. You can use that story if you want.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAA! That is so hilarious and so not funny all at the same time.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Naked Celebrities
me: Um, please say you saw the semi-naked pic of Rpatz on www.perezhilton.com.
c: I HAVEN’T GONE ON PEREZ. Going now. Fuck you, work
me: It's gross. Doughy. Pale.
c: Ugh. The lone excuse I will give him is that he wasn’t working out for Twilight, but still that shit just ruined me. Day over.
me: I know, right?!
c: Well, now I’m ruining it for everyone.
me: Did you look at the uncensored pic? I didn't.
c: Yes ... yes, I did. I couldn’t help myself. It was like a PETA commercial ... you swear you won’t look but the second Sarah McLachlan starts singing, you watch the whole fucking thing.
c: I HAVEN’T GONE ON PEREZ. Going now. Fuck you, work
me: It's gross. Doughy. Pale.
c: Ugh. The lone excuse I will give him is that he wasn’t working out for Twilight, but still that shit just ruined me. Day over.
me: I know, right?!
c: Well, now I’m ruining it for everyone.
me: Did you look at the uncensored pic? I didn't.
c: Yes ... yes, I did. I couldn’t help myself. It was like a PETA commercial ... you swear you won’t look but the second Sarah McLachlan starts singing, you watch the whole fucking thing.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Phone Calls from Nana
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Not to turn this email on a dime to such a trivial topic, but to end on a slightly brighter note ... I received a voicemail tonight from Nana. It went like this, as she was oblivious for a solid minute of the message:
Edna: "Now where do you think she is?"
Elsie (her sister): "I don't know, Edna, probably studying for that big test."
Edna: "Well, it's 9 o'clock, but you're probably right. What kind of fern did you tell me that is? Gorgeous."
... Dozens of seconds later ...
Edna: "J, well hello. I don't know if this is recording. Had a good day here. Went to Red Robin for a big lunch. I had the shrimp platter."
Beep.
Speaking to her later, I found out Red Robin has now replaced Boston Market as her favorite restaurant. Amazing!
Bye, girls,
j
To: thegirls@email.com
Not to turn this email on a dime to such a trivial topic, but to end on a slightly brighter note ... I received a voicemail tonight from Nana. It went like this, as she was oblivious for a solid minute of the message:
Edna: "Now where do you think she is?"
Elsie (her sister): "I don't know, Edna, probably studying for that big test."
Edna: "Well, it's 9 o'clock, but you're probably right. What kind of fern did you tell me that is? Gorgeous."
... Dozens of seconds later ...
Edna: "J, well hello. I don't know if this is recording. Had a good day here. Went to Red Robin for a big lunch. I had the shrimp platter."
Beep.
Speaking to her later, I found out Red Robin has now replaced Boston Market as her favorite restaurant. Amazing!
Bye, girls,
j
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
RPatz and Cadaver Hamstrings
From: me@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Okay, so you know how RPatz is in a movie called Little Ashes in which he has to do emotional gay sex scenes? I can't stop giggling to myself about his take on the situation:
"The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."
From: rk@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Yeah ... I think I'm over my crush.
Thanks, M.
From: cc@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Lets turn the attention on me momentarily, ladies ...
My surgery is next week and they are putting a dead person's hamstring tendon in me. GROSS me out. Anyway, I expect flowers, presents, and round the clock attention on my week off.
To: thegirls@mail.com
Okay, so you know how RPatz is in a movie called Little Ashes in which he has to do emotional gay sex scenes? I can't stop giggling to myself about his take on the situation:
"The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."
From: rk@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Yeah ... I think I'm over my crush.
Thanks, M.
From: cc@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Lets turn the attention on me momentarily, ladies ...
My surgery is next week and they are putting a dead person's hamstring tendon in me. GROSS me out. Anyway, I expect flowers, presents, and round the clock attention on my week off.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday Afternoon Massage
j: Can I tell you about my massage on Saturday?
me: Please!
j: I found the guy off www.yelp.com. All of the 12 reviews were total raves about this guy D.
me: Love you some yelp … go on.
j: And intriguing to boot … one post said "He climbed on top of my table and started making ‘whoosing’ noises halfway through the massage." Yes, please.
me: YESSSSSSSS
j: So I decided to try him out. He massaged away for TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES. And charged me 60 dollars.
me: Shut your mouth.
j: He jumped on the table. "Squished" my pelvis in order to "release the flutters in my back."
me: This must be spiritual for him. Or maybe he steals bits of your soul as he massages. So, hey $60 for a two-hour massage is nothing when you get 1/4 of J’s soul! "The flutters!"
j: Fucking hysterical, and highly effective. I'm in love.
me: Did you go to his home? And did he burn sage around you?
j: Ha, hardly home.
me: A tent in Felatio Park?
j: He has a eeentsy weentsy one room space in the Bally's gym 3 blocks from my house.
HA, yes he threw down some tarp and covered it in peen juice to make me feel at home. I LOVE that you just quoted Felatio Park. But it turns out this guy was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.
me: Hahahhahah, so he expelled your flutters as you laid in a pool of peen juice on a tarp? You sound like Micahel K right now.
j: Exactly. It was divine. Oh god. www.dllisted.com has infiltrated.
me: Ok, I'm being serious now. How old is he now? And does he massage the ADHD out of his body himself?
j: Uhh, not quite. He forgot three times in two hours that I was a med student (not that I cared one bit), and kept asking how it was that I knew the muscle names in your back. Then he offered me half of his uneaten avocado stuck in a dirty cup. AND when I was trying to find somewhere to spit out my gum (because I knew it'd get old during the massage), he insisted that I give it to him.
me: This just keeps getting better.
j: Like, wouldn't take no for an answer. Alas, I passed along my extra sticky strawberry mint Orbitz right into the palm of his hand. SO BIZARRE. I can't wait to go back.
me: Have you scheduled an appointment already?
j: No I've decided I am really intrigued by acupuncture and want to give it a whirl, so I'm going to try that next.
me: God, I love you.
me: Please!
j: I found the guy off www.yelp.com. All of the 12 reviews were total raves about this guy D.
me: Love you some yelp … go on.
j: And intriguing to boot … one post said "He climbed on top of my table and started making ‘whoosing’ noises halfway through the massage." Yes, please.
me: YESSSSSSSS
j: So I decided to try him out. He massaged away for TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES. And charged me 60 dollars.
me: Shut your mouth.
j: He jumped on the table. "Squished" my pelvis in order to "release the flutters in my back."
me: This must be spiritual for him. Or maybe he steals bits of your soul as he massages. So, hey $60 for a two-hour massage is nothing when you get 1/4 of J’s soul! "The flutters!"
j: Fucking hysterical, and highly effective. I'm in love.
me: Did you go to his home? And did he burn sage around you?
j: Ha, hardly home.
me: A tent in Felatio Park?
j: He has a eeentsy weentsy one room space in the Bally's gym 3 blocks from my house.
HA, yes he threw down some tarp and covered it in peen juice to make me feel at home. I LOVE that you just quoted Felatio Park. But it turns out this guy was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.
me: Hahahhahah, so he expelled your flutters as you laid in a pool of peen juice on a tarp? You sound like Micahel K right now.
j: Exactly. It was divine. Oh god. www.dllisted.com has infiltrated.
me: Ok, I'm being serious now. How old is he now? And does he massage the ADHD out of his body himself?
j: Uhh, not quite. He forgot three times in two hours that I was a med student (not that I cared one bit), and kept asking how it was that I knew the muscle names in your back. Then he offered me half of his uneaten avocado stuck in a dirty cup. AND when I was trying to find somewhere to spit out my gum (because I knew it'd get old during the massage), he insisted that I give it to him.
me: This just keeps getting better.
j: Like, wouldn't take no for an answer. Alas, I passed along my extra sticky strawberry mint Orbitz right into the palm of his hand. SO BIZARRE. I can't wait to go back.
me: Have you scheduled an appointment already?
j: No I've decided I am really intrigued by acupuncture and want to give it a whirl, so I'm going to try that next.
me: God, I love you.
Observations from Ireland
From: ac@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
1. We didn't find a SINGLE person named Paddy while in Ireland. And it wasn't for lack of trying. We asked everyone we met if A) their name was Paddy and B) if they had any friends named Paddy. No dice.
2. Only 10% of Irish people have red hair. Our stereotypes don't fit at all. Interestingly, 33% of Scottish people have red hair.
3. The Irish enjoy flavorless, bland food and like to put A LOT of butter on everything to add some flare.
4. Guinness really does taste better in Ireland.
5. Simon Cowell truly is an international super star.
6. Americans have the best teeth of any other country, hands down, no contest, done and done. This Polish guy tried to put the moves on me at a pub and L and I had to divert our eyes from his mouth every time he spoke. His teeth looked like rotten corn kernels held together by brown poo. Let's take a moment of silence and appreciate the stellar level of dental care we've been fortunate enough to experience in the good 'ole USofA.
To: thegirls@mail.com
1. We didn't find a SINGLE person named Paddy while in Ireland. And it wasn't for lack of trying. We asked everyone we met if A) their name was Paddy and B) if they had any friends named Paddy. No dice.
2. Only 10% of Irish people have red hair. Our stereotypes don't fit at all. Interestingly, 33% of Scottish people have red hair.
3. The Irish enjoy flavorless, bland food and like to put A LOT of butter on everything to add some flare.
4. Guinness really does taste better in Ireland.
5. Simon Cowell truly is an international super star.
6. Americans have the best teeth of any other country, hands down, no contest, done and done. This Polish guy tried to put the moves on me at a pub and L and I had to divert our eyes from his mouth every time he spoke. His teeth looked like rotten corn kernels held together by brown poo. Let's take a moment of silence and appreciate the stellar level of dental care we've been fortunate enough to experience in the good 'ole USofA.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Universal Comedy: Falling Down
n: Yeah I'm gonna take it easy the day before the wedding. We know how I get hungover and with a wedding to stand in … J is already worried that I will fall down or something.
me: What?!?!? Why is he putting ideas like that in your head?!
n: No, not in the wedding ... drunkenly fall down later on.
me: Oh. I'll definitely do that. It's going to be snowy.
n: Oh my gosh, on F’s night out (also obliterated), I fell down face first on the couch at the bar and then floundered around with my arms pinned at my sides for a few minutes until I finally just rolled off the couch to pick myself up.
me: AHHHHHHHHHH!
n: I'll reenact when I see you. It was beyond ridiculous.
me: Was it as good as you getting trapped underneath your backpack and smashing your clay turtle and covering it all up by just "getting down to pet a dog"?
n: J and J just sat there watching in awe, and then J was like, "She might need some help … " It looked the same but sans backpack.
me: So you were pinned under ... your own body weight? It's not like you're obese!
n: I know! My arms just weren't working. And the couch was leather and slippery.
me: You keep up those antics and you'll DEFINTELY be the next one to have a bachelorette party in your honor. I.r.r.e.s.i.s.t.i.b.l.e.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
House Guests
k: Hopefully we'll have a house in the Fan so that you can live there after boozing it up. We'll make you a nice bed of newspaper and cedar shavings
me: Can I poop in it?
k: I would be furious if you didn't.
me: Can I poop in it?
k: I would be furious if you didn't.
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