dad: Do you want to go to Don Pepe's and eat vast quantities of crap?
me: Agh, I'm torn because I brought my yoga clothes to work but I really just want to go home and lay on the couch.
dad: That is all wonderful, but what's the answer?
me: I think I'm going to have to say no and save eating vast quantities of crap for Thanksgiving. Will you still love me?
dad: In the words of Whitney Houston, I will always love youuuuuuu.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Another Case of the Nanas
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Nana story
I just experienced one of my new favorite Nana stories and I thought I would share. Her sister, Elsie, babysits a 1-year-old little girl in town and strolls her over to Nana's every morning to say hello. So Nana recounts to me something cute the girl did today ... she then follows with this encounter:
Nana: "Her parents are from New York and all the kinpeople are coming down for Thanksgiving. But from what Elsie tells me, they aren't even having a turkey on Thursday!"
me: "Well, Nana, you do realize a lot of people have their own traditions that might not be just like yours."
Nana: "Well, of course, I understand that. But I just think these people are sort of funny. After all, they did name their child Savior."
me: "Savior? You can't be serious??"
Nana: "Well, it's not spelled that way exactly. I think there are a few extra letters. But that sure is what they meant by it. I think that's mighty presumptuous of them to take the Lord's name in vain like that."
I had to know what the actual spelling of this child's name was, not only to restore my faith in humanity that these parents from New York did not name their child Savior, but also to confirm my belief that Nana will take any opportunity - I mean any - presented to turn something not about God ... into something about God.
I place a call to Elsie, who establishes the child's name is Xavier. More importantly, I find out Elsie has already, on three separate occasions, tried to explain to Nana that the pronunciation has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ.
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Nana story
I just experienced one of my new favorite Nana stories and I thought I would share. Her sister, Elsie, babysits a 1-year-old little girl in town and strolls her over to Nana's every morning to say hello. So Nana recounts to me something cute the girl did today ... she then follows with this encounter:
Nana: "Her parents are from New York and all the kinpeople are coming down for Thanksgiving. But from what Elsie tells me, they aren't even having a turkey on Thursday!"
me: "Well, Nana, you do realize a lot of people have their own traditions that might not be just like yours."
Nana: "Well, of course, I understand that. But I just think these people are sort of funny. After all, they did name their child Savior."
me: "Savior? You can't be serious??"
Nana: "Well, it's not spelled that way exactly. I think there are a few extra letters. But that sure is what they meant by it. I think that's mighty presumptuous of them to take the Lord's name in vain like that."
I had to know what the actual spelling of this child's name was, not only to restore my faith in humanity that these parents from New York did not name their child Savior, but also to confirm my belief that Nana will take any opportunity - I mean any - presented to turn something not about God ... into something about God.
I place a call to Elsie, who establishes the child's name is Xavier. More importantly, I find out Elsie has already, on three separate occasions, tried to explain to Nana that the pronunciation has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Dirty Little Secrets
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
Disclaimer - I once made out with Olaf. He was about 300 lbs of drunk fun from Durham and E and I were on a break ... I believe C witnessed it and was scarred for life.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You made out with a 300-pound man named OLAF? How did we not know this?!
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
He isn't quite 300 ...
Pretty much I was drunk, and my friend egged me on. Olaf was in love with me and the day I left school he duct taped a letter to my door. The envelope had Smarties in it.
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
My day has officially been made.
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
Disclaimer - I once made out with Olaf. He was about 300 lbs of drunk fun from Durham and E and I were on a break ... I believe C witnessed it and was scarred for life.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You made out with a 300-pound man named OLAF? How did we not know this?!
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
He isn't quite 300 ...
Pretty much I was drunk, and my friend egged me on. Olaf was in love with me and the day I left school he duct taped a letter to my door. The envelope had Smarties in it.
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: Why do you even associate with Duke fans?
My day has officially been made.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Hangin' with the Holy
j: Leetle M, I have to get to class. Talk to you Saturday?
me: You get it, girl! Yes, yes. I will not be hungover cuz I'm hanging with the holy. So brunch is in our stars!
j: That makes me excited to think about seeing your beautiful face!
me: I can't wait to see you (fingers crossed)!
j: Hanging with the holy! New favorite expression!
me: Hahahahhaha. I kinda like it, too.
j: Like, I like it so much I might hang with holy people just to make it apply.
me: You get it, girl! Yes, yes. I will not be hungover cuz I'm hanging with the holy. So brunch is in our stars!
j: That makes me excited to think about seeing your beautiful face!
me: I can't wait to see you (fingers crossed)!
j: Hanging with the holy! New favorite expression!
me: Hahahahhaha. I kinda like it, too.
j: Like, I like it so much I might hang with holy people just to make it apply.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wedding Season Planning
me: When is the wedding?
c: May 22nd, I believe.
me: Can't go. Just kidding.
c: I secured my date for that one and one in June today. I will not fly stag.
me: YOU HAVE A DATE ALREADY?
c: Ha, yup. Asked him today.
me: I don't even have guy friends that aren't married.
c: Well, this is just a friend. But he's pretty, so he will make me look pretty by association.
me: Jealous.
c: Ooor uglier? This may have been poorly planned.
me: I just used my brain to make an idea.
c: I mean that's what it's there for. Lay it on me.
me: I thought I sent it to everyone. Hold please.
c: That's a good idea! But you want to hear something embarrassing?
me: Yes.
c: So post-planning-cigarette, I was sitting on the toilet allowing my ass to wage a war on the toilet and was thinking about my bachelorette party (never gonna happen) and I totally want it Harry Potter themed. Harry stripper, quidditch cake, everything. Then I realized what I was thinking and where I was while I was thinking it and realized why I'm single.
me: BAhahahahahha. But it's also the reason why I love you so much.
c: May 22nd, I believe.
me: Can't go. Just kidding.
c: I secured my date for that one and one in June today. I will not fly stag.
me: YOU HAVE A DATE ALREADY?
c: Ha, yup. Asked him today.
me: I don't even have guy friends that aren't married.
c: Well, this is just a friend. But he's pretty, so he will make me look pretty by association.
me: Jealous.
c: Ooor uglier? This may have been poorly planned.
me: I just used my brain to make an idea.
c: I mean that's what it's there for. Lay it on me.
me: I thought I sent it to everyone. Hold please.
c: That's a good idea! But you want to hear something embarrassing?
me: Yes.
c: So post-planning-cigarette, I was sitting on the toilet allowing my ass to wage a war on the toilet and was thinking about my bachelorette party (never gonna happen) and I totally want it Harry Potter themed. Harry stripper, quidditch cake, everything. Then I realized what I was thinking and where I was while I was thinking it and realized why I'm single.
me: BAhahahahahha. But it's also the reason why I love you so much.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Volvo's New Moon Contest Is Ruining My Life
me: HOW DO I GET THROUGH THE DAMN VOLTURI IN THE PLAZA TO EDWARD?!?
a: HAHAHAHAHA
From: ac@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Volturi Plaza
It is AWFUL. It took me so long to figure it out. Here's the best advice I had to give N:
Just follow the path they make for you. Whenever they part to make a path, follow it no matter whether you're going south when you should be going north. Eventually they cut a path that goes sideways and back up towards Edward. Godspeed, my friend.
From: me@email.com
To: ac@email.com
Subject: Re: Volturi Plaza
Will you just log in to my fucking account and get Bella to Edward so I can stop watching her trudge around the robed Volturi? We're on day three of this task ... I'm getting an eye twitch.
a: HAHAHAHAHA
From: ac@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Volturi Plaza
It is AWFUL. It took me so long to figure it out. Here's the best advice I had to give N:
Just follow the path they make for you. Whenever they part to make a path, follow it no matter whether you're going south when you should be going north. Eventually they cut a path that goes sideways and back up towards Edward. Godspeed, my friend.
From: me@email.com
To: ac@email.com
Subject: Re: Volturi Plaza
Will you just log in to my fucking account and get Bella to Edward so I can stop watching her trudge around the robed Volturi? We're on day three of this task ... I'm getting an eye twitch.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Changing Times & Losers
a: Yeah, so I left my phone on my desk last night and by the time I realized it, I was almost home and traffic was horrible, so I said screw it. But I couldn't help that super-panicked feeling you get when you know you don't have a phone. Like, "What if I break down on the side of the road?" or "What if something happens to Nana and someone's trying to call me?" or "What if a really hot guy got my number and has been trying to call but then gives up because I don't return his call?" ...
Yeah, turns out not one single person tried to contact me last night.
me: Hahahaha, story of my life.
a: I swear that phone has become sort of a crutch, or an addiction. And this is coming from someone who's never on the phone and likes being unreachable for a while. How times have changed.
me: Seriously.
a: Remember in '98 when no one had a phone except for emergencies?
me: Ahhh, the end of high school. I remember having a phone my freshman year in college but never charging it because I didn't use it.
a: I know! I took one with me to college just to call home. Crazy town.
me: We might as well have written our papers with manual typewriters by candlelight.
a: HAHAHA. All kidding aside, I would like to bring red rubber envelope seals back. And maybe quills.
me: Quills. I'm totally into quills.
a: I got invited to this pre-Thanksgiving pot luck dinner (all girls) and I was just reading what everyone has RSVP'd for. This girl I can't stand says one thing: "cranberry sauce." I mean, who offers to bring something that requires buying one single can and opening it? At least you could say cranberry sauce and dessert ... or something else to add. Loser.
me: Hahahhaah, total loser. You should reply that you'll bring the bag of Pepperidge Farm stuffing bread crumbs. Dry.
a: No, I'm gonna change my reply to one word: "Butter."
me: HA
a: Or even better, "Butter and wine."
me: This girl sounds AMAZING. And like she could get her sugar daddy to give her a bit of dough so she could bring more than a fucking canned non-perishable food drive item to a dinner party.
Yeah, turns out not one single person tried to contact me last night.
me: Hahahaha, story of my life.
a: I swear that phone has become sort of a crutch, or an addiction. And this is coming from someone who's never on the phone and likes being unreachable for a while. How times have changed.
me: Seriously.
a: Remember in '98 when no one had a phone except for emergencies?
me: Ahhh, the end of high school. I remember having a phone my freshman year in college but never charging it because I didn't use it.
a: I know! I took one with me to college just to call home. Crazy town.
me: We might as well have written our papers with manual typewriters by candlelight.
a: HAHAHA. All kidding aside, I would like to bring red rubber envelope seals back. And maybe quills.
me: Quills. I'm totally into quills.
a: I got invited to this pre-Thanksgiving pot luck dinner (all girls) and I was just reading what everyone has RSVP'd for. This girl I can't stand says one thing: "cranberry sauce." I mean, who offers to bring something that requires buying one single can and opening it? At least you could say cranberry sauce and dessert ... or something else to add. Loser.
me: Hahahhaah, total loser. You should reply that you'll bring the bag of Pepperidge Farm stuffing bread crumbs. Dry.
a: No, I'm gonna change my reply to one word: "Butter."
me: HA
a: Or even better, "Butter and wine."
me: This girl sounds AMAZING. And like she could get her sugar daddy to give her a bit of dough so she could bring more than a fucking canned non-perishable food drive item to a dinner party.
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