m: Last night I was a PMS raging bitch. He finally asked me to just go to sleep since I was such a grumpy 4-year-old. And I did. And today, not a bitch.
me: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! He puts you in your place! I love it!
m: I get like little W when I’m tired. I was going through a checklist, "Have you ... have you ..." and my insane PMS mind thought that the reason he was seeming out of it at work and not on email was because he had a "secret surprise for me"- I’m INSANE!
me: Hahahahahhaha, I think our minds are much more similar than we realize!
m: I cried in the shower over the “secret surprise.”
me: You stop it.
m: Of course we all know what “secret surprise” means. Oh yeah, he had to open the shower curtain, the dog sticking his snout in, and tell me it was ridiculous.
me: This just keeps getting better. Wait, what does "secret surprise" mean?
m: proposal! Imagine his disgust at me thinking him being down at work was in fact a ploy to throw me off his scent.
me: OH MY GOD, I just realized that. You cried in the shower b/c he didn't propose to your bratty PMS ass. I'm sorry I'm laughing so hard. We truly are lunatics. I love being crazy.
m: It’s true. I cried in the shower because it wasn’t enough to know that he will marry me one day and I have my dream job on the horizon. Nope- lets cry about what I don’t have!
me: We are masters of solidifying the stereotype of women. We must keep up the hard work.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Make Me a Tango Vest
From: n@mail.com
To: m@mail.com
Subject: wtf?
Just thought you should know that I'm doing fabric shopping right now that is completely ridiculous. One of my clients called and he sounds like Mr. Magoo. Apparently in addition to being an interior designer, he also plays the piano.
He's performing an Argentinean Tango song, and wants to make a vest to wear for the recital. So he called me to ask if I can find a fabric for him that evokes the same feeling as the tango. He says, traditionally the men wear all black but he doesn't want that, he wants something with more flair.
Honestly, this is my job ... ridic.
To: m@mail.com
Subject: wtf?
Just thought you should know that I'm doing fabric shopping right now that is completely ridiculous. One of my clients called and he sounds like Mr. Magoo. Apparently in addition to being an interior designer, he also plays the piano.
He's performing an Argentinean Tango song, and wants to make a vest to wear for the recital. So he called me to ask if I can find a fabric for him that evokes the same feeling as the tango. He says, traditionally the men wear all black but he doesn't want that, he wants something with more flair.
Honestly, this is my job ... ridic.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Creative Inspiration
me: I start my creative writing class tonight. I'm askeered.
n: Oooh exciting!!! I didn't know you had registered yet. Way to make a step, that's more than I can ever do.
me: It's 2.5 hours long! I'm afraid there will be in-class exercises that we have to share and I'll freeze and have nothing to contribute.
n: In 8th grade it was required for us to take creative writing ... and I was in a class with this girl who I thought was really cool. She wrote a story about a girl in boarding school who was Jewish but no one knew … and her friends would sit around making Jew jokes (at this point in the story we didn't know she was Jewish either). Then one day she got in her car and drove off a cliff, and they found her body with a Star of David necklace on, and everyone felt bad. I thought it was soooo deep and dark and edgy, so then I tried to write like that. You can use that story if you want.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAA! That is so hilarious and so not funny all at the same time.
n: Oooh exciting!!! I didn't know you had registered yet. Way to make a step, that's more than I can ever do.
me: It's 2.5 hours long! I'm afraid there will be in-class exercises that we have to share and I'll freeze and have nothing to contribute.
n: In 8th grade it was required for us to take creative writing ... and I was in a class with this girl who I thought was really cool. She wrote a story about a girl in boarding school who was Jewish but no one knew … and her friends would sit around making Jew jokes (at this point in the story we didn't know she was Jewish either). Then one day she got in her car and drove off a cliff, and they found her body with a Star of David necklace on, and everyone felt bad. I thought it was soooo deep and dark and edgy, so then I tried to write like that. You can use that story if you want.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAA! That is so hilarious and so not funny all at the same time.
Naked Celebrities
me: Um, please say you saw the semi-naked pic of Rpatz on www.perezhilton.com.
c: I HAVEN’T GONE ON PEREZ. Going now. Fuck you, work
me: It's gross. Doughy. Pale.
c: Ugh. The lone excuse I will give him is that he wasn’t working out for Twilight, but still that shit just ruined me. Day over.
me: I know, right?!
c: Well, now I’m ruining it for everyone.
me: Did you look at the uncensored pic? I didn't.
c: Yes ... yes, I did. I couldn’t help myself. It was like a PETA commercial ... you swear you won’t look but the second Sarah McLachlan starts singing, you watch the whole fucking thing.
c: I HAVEN’T GONE ON PEREZ. Going now. Fuck you, work
me: It's gross. Doughy. Pale.
c: Ugh. The lone excuse I will give him is that he wasn’t working out for Twilight, but still that shit just ruined me. Day over.
me: I know, right?!
c: Well, now I’m ruining it for everyone.
me: Did you look at the uncensored pic? I didn't.
c: Yes ... yes, I did. I couldn’t help myself. It was like a PETA commercial ... you swear you won’t look but the second Sarah McLachlan starts singing, you watch the whole fucking thing.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Phone Calls from Nana
From: jh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Not to turn this email on a dime to such a trivial topic, but to end on a slightly brighter note ... I received a voicemail tonight from Nana. It went like this, as she was oblivious for a solid minute of the message:
Edna: "Now where do you think she is?"
Elsie (her sister): "I don't know, Edna, probably studying for that big test."
Edna: "Well, it's 9 o'clock, but you're probably right. What kind of fern did you tell me that is? Gorgeous."
... Dozens of seconds later ...
Edna: "J, well hello. I don't know if this is recording. Had a good day here. Went to Red Robin for a big lunch. I had the shrimp platter."
Beep.
Speaking to her later, I found out Red Robin has now replaced Boston Market as her favorite restaurant. Amazing!
Bye, girls,
j
To: thegirls@email.com
Not to turn this email on a dime to such a trivial topic, but to end on a slightly brighter note ... I received a voicemail tonight from Nana. It went like this, as she was oblivious for a solid minute of the message:
Edna: "Now where do you think she is?"
Elsie (her sister): "I don't know, Edna, probably studying for that big test."
Edna: "Well, it's 9 o'clock, but you're probably right. What kind of fern did you tell me that is? Gorgeous."
... Dozens of seconds later ...
Edna: "J, well hello. I don't know if this is recording. Had a good day here. Went to Red Robin for a big lunch. I had the shrimp platter."
Beep.
Speaking to her later, I found out Red Robin has now replaced Boston Market as her favorite restaurant. Amazing!
Bye, girls,
j
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
RPatz and Cadaver Hamstrings
From: me@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Okay, so you know how RPatz is in a movie called Little Ashes in which he has to do emotional gay sex scenes? I can't stop giggling to myself about his take on the situation:
"The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."
From: rk@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Yeah ... I think I'm over my crush.
Thanks, M.
From: cc@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Lets turn the attention on me momentarily, ladies ...
My surgery is next week and they are putting a dead person's hamstring tendon in me. GROSS me out. Anyway, I expect flowers, presents, and round the clock attention on my week off.
To: thegirls@mail.com
Okay, so you know how RPatz is in a movie called Little Ashes in which he has to do emotional gay sex scenes? I can't stop giggling to myself about his take on the situation:
"The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."
From: rk@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Yeah ... I think I'm over my crush.
Thanks, M.
From: cc@mail.com
To: thegirls@mail.com
Lets turn the attention on me momentarily, ladies ...
My surgery is next week and they are putting a dead person's hamstring tendon in me. GROSS me out. Anyway, I expect flowers, presents, and round the clock attention on my week off.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday Afternoon Massage
j: Can I tell you about my massage on Saturday?
me: Please!
j: I found the guy off www.yelp.com. All of the 12 reviews were total raves about this guy D.
me: Love you some yelp … go on.
j: And intriguing to boot … one post said "He climbed on top of my table and started making ‘whoosing’ noises halfway through the massage." Yes, please.
me: YESSSSSSSS
j: So I decided to try him out. He massaged away for TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES. And charged me 60 dollars.
me: Shut your mouth.
j: He jumped on the table. "Squished" my pelvis in order to "release the flutters in my back."
me: This must be spiritual for him. Or maybe he steals bits of your soul as he massages. So, hey $60 for a two-hour massage is nothing when you get 1/4 of J’s soul! "The flutters!"
j: Fucking hysterical, and highly effective. I'm in love.
me: Did you go to his home? And did he burn sage around you?
j: Ha, hardly home.
me: A tent in Felatio Park?
j: He has a eeentsy weentsy one room space in the Bally's gym 3 blocks from my house.
HA, yes he threw down some tarp and covered it in peen juice to make me feel at home. I LOVE that you just quoted Felatio Park. But it turns out this guy was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.
me: Hahahhahah, so he expelled your flutters as you laid in a pool of peen juice on a tarp? You sound like Micahel K right now.
j: Exactly. It was divine. Oh god. www.dllisted.com has infiltrated.
me: Ok, I'm being serious now. How old is he now? And does he massage the ADHD out of his body himself?
j: Uhh, not quite. He forgot three times in two hours that I was a med student (not that I cared one bit), and kept asking how it was that I knew the muscle names in your back. Then he offered me half of his uneaten avocado stuck in a dirty cup. AND when I was trying to find somewhere to spit out my gum (because I knew it'd get old during the massage), he insisted that I give it to him.
me: This just keeps getting better.
j: Like, wouldn't take no for an answer. Alas, I passed along my extra sticky strawberry mint Orbitz right into the palm of his hand. SO BIZARRE. I can't wait to go back.
me: Have you scheduled an appointment already?
j: No I've decided I am really intrigued by acupuncture and want to give it a whirl, so I'm going to try that next.
me: God, I love you.
me: Please!
j: I found the guy off www.yelp.com. All of the 12 reviews were total raves about this guy D.
me: Love you some yelp … go on.
j: And intriguing to boot … one post said "He climbed on top of my table and started making ‘whoosing’ noises halfway through the massage." Yes, please.
me: YESSSSSSSS
j: So I decided to try him out. He massaged away for TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES. And charged me 60 dollars.
me: Shut your mouth.
j: He jumped on the table. "Squished" my pelvis in order to "release the flutters in my back."
me: This must be spiritual for him. Or maybe he steals bits of your soul as he massages. So, hey $60 for a two-hour massage is nothing when you get 1/4 of J’s soul! "The flutters!"
j: Fucking hysterical, and highly effective. I'm in love.
me: Did you go to his home? And did he burn sage around you?
j: Ha, hardly home.
me: A tent in Felatio Park?
j: He has a eeentsy weentsy one room space in the Bally's gym 3 blocks from my house.
HA, yes he threw down some tarp and covered it in peen juice to make me feel at home. I LOVE that you just quoted Felatio Park. But it turns out this guy was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.
me: Hahahhahah, so he expelled your flutters as you laid in a pool of peen juice on a tarp? You sound like Micahel K right now.
j: Exactly. It was divine. Oh god. www.dllisted.com has infiltrated.
me: Ok, I'm being serious now. How old is he now? And does he massage the ADHD out of his body himself?
j: Uhh, not quite. He forgot three times in two hours that I was a med student (not that I cared one bit), and kept asking how it was that I knew the muscle names in your back. Then he offered me half of his uneaten avocado stuck in a dirty cup. AND when I was trying to find somewhere to spit out my gum (because I knew it'd get old during the massage), he insisted that I give it to him.
me: This just keeps getting better.
j: Like, wouldn't take no for an answer. Alas, I passed along my extra sticky strawberry mint Orbitz right into the palm of his hand. SO BIZARRE. I can't wait to go back.
me: Have you scheduled an appointment already?
j: No I've decided I am really intrigued by acupuncture and want to give it a whirl, so I'm going to try that next.
me: God, I love you.
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