me: I just picked a zit on my forehead and it made me sneeze.
c: HAHA WHAT?
me: I know, right? It was bizarre. I tried to pick it with one hand and then had to cover my mouth for a bananas sneeze with my other hand. It all happened so fast.
c: I have a shit eating grin on my face.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Someone Wants to Talk to You
k: I am eating a burrito right now so go fuck yourself. Your mom doesn't love you anymore. She loves me now.
me: IT'S NOT TRUE
k: She's sitting right here next to me. Here, I'll put her on.
Hi, M. It's C, the mom formerly known as your mom. I'm K's mom now. So go fuck yourself.
me: Oh, I have your husband here with me right now. Let me put him on.
Hi K, it's Husbandtowne. When I told you that you were like a drug and I loved you even though you ruined my life, I meant it. But then I met Candy Finnergan from Intervention and she showed me that you are an enabler. So I'm done with you. And, oh yeah, that song I wrote, it's about M.
k: FUCK. Well, here's Kanye West:
Yo, M. I'm really happy for you, but K's mom is the best mom ever. And you are just a sad, teenage-vampire loving clown who cries over pictures of Lady Gaga's man bulge.
me: Well, here's Taylor Swift:
I'm simple. Let's play guitar.
k: NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE THAT.
me: THAT WAS TAYLOR SPEAKING FOR HERSELF. DON'T TAKE HER VOICE AWAY.
Oh, wait, she has one more thing she wants to tell you:
I look like a cat.
k: EFFFFFFFF. Seriously, I just ate a burrito. I wish I was dead.
me: Let's sit at the fancy table and have a full hibachi lunch. You won't puke. I swear.
k: I will have a salad and an enema.
me: Will that enema be dine-in or to-go?
k: I'm gonna brown bag it.
me: IT'S NOT TRUE
k: She's sitting right here next to me. Here, I'll put her on.
Hi, M. It's C, the mom formerly known as your mom. I'm K's mom now. So go fuck yourself.
me: Oh, I have your husband here with me right now. Let me put him on.
Hi K, it's Husbandtowne. When I told you that you were like a drug and I loved you even though you ruined my life, I meant it. But then I met Candy Finnergan from Intervention and she showed me that you are an enabler. So I'm done with you. And, oh yeah, that song I wrote, it's about M.
k: FUCK. Well, here's Kanye West:
Yo, M. I'm really happy for you, but K's mom is the best mom ever. And you are just a sad, teenage-vampire loving clown who cries over pictures of Lady Gaga's man bulge.
me: Well, here's Taylor Swift:
I'm simple. Let's play guitar.
k: NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE THAT.
me: THAT WAS TAYLOR SPEAKING FOR HERSELF. DON'T TAKE HER VOICE AWAY.
Oh, wait, she has one more thing she wants to tell you:
I look like a cat.
k: EFFFFFFFF. Seriously, I just ate a burrito. I wish I was dead.
me: Let's sit at the fancy table and have a full hibachi lunch. You won't puke. I swear.
k: I will have a salad and an enema.
me: Will that enema be dine-in or to-go?
k: I'm gonna brown bag it.
Nanny & the Muppet Babies
k: He is like one of the muppet babies. Did you ever watch that cartoon? They were all held hostage in a nursery and taken care of by a pair of granny legs that would come visit them once a day ... they had to use their imagination to escape. It was the most horrific show ever.
me: I REMEMBER IT ALL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ju75XsCO4o
k: Yessss. Didn't it send you spiraling into a deep depression?
me: I don't think I ever realized that they were held hostage!?? I so remember those creepy stripey legs coming in though.
I just accidentally pasted the muppet babies link into a program.
k: Hahaha. Oh man. Off to a good start today. Can you imagine if that somehow went live?
me: It would be my greatest accomplishment while working here. I feel betrayed that the Kings of Leon king has a girlfriend that is not me.
k: If you use your imagination, it IS you ... and those striped legs are Caleb Followill's.
me: HAAAAAAAa, do I have to call him Nanny?
k: He would love it, I just know it.
me: I would tell him his sex was on fire as I peeled back those knee socks.
k: Gross! Then a black cloud of smoke would come out of his urethra.
me: No. Nanny wouldn't do that to me.
k: I want to dress up as Nanny for Halloween. I'll cover my body in a black box, except for my green and white striped legs.
me: You have to hide your entire top half with a door.
k: And I'll hang muppets down by my feet.
me: A mobile of muppets.
k: Perfect. Done.
me: I REMEMBER IT ALL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ju75XsCO4o
k: Yessss. Didn't it send you spiraling into a deep depression?
me: I don't think I ever realized that they were held hostage!?? I so remember those creepy stripey legs coming in though.
I just accidentally pasted the muppet babies link into a program.
k: Hahaha. Oh man. Off to a good start today. Can you imagine if that somehow went live?
me: It would be my greatest accomplishment while working here. I feel betrayed that the Kings of Leon king has a girlfriend that is not me.
k: If you use your imagination, it IS you ... and those striped legs are Caleb Followill's.
me: HAAAAAAAa, do I have to call him Nanny?
k: He would love it, I just know it.
me: I would tell him his sex was on fire as I peeled back those knee socks.
k: Gross! Then a black cloud of smoke would come out of his urethra.
me: No. Nanny wouldn't do that to me.
k: I want to dress up as Nanny for Halloween. I'll cover my body in a black box, except for my green and white striped legs.
me: You have to hide your entire top half with a door.
k: And I'll hang muppets down by my feet.
me: A mobile of muppets.
k: Perfect. Done.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Will Work for Bed
From: gm@work.com
Subject: I want you to go to lunch with me
Can y’all go tamari?
Or ... maybe even today?
From: me@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me
Sorry I missed out on the email chain. I was too busy eating Chipotle out of my lap and sleeping in my car in the Food Lion parking lot. You know, the usual.
From: gm@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me
Good morning, princess. I love you.
Subject: I want you to go to lunch with me
Can y’all go tamari?
Or ... maybe even today?
From: me@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me
Sorry I missed out on the email chain. I was too busy eating Chipotle out of my lap and sleeping in my car in the Food Lion parking lot. You know, the usual.
From: gm@work.com
Subject: Re: I want you to go to lunch with me
Good morning, princess. I love you.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thinly Veiled Cry for Help?
k: Stop being so motivated and making me look bad.
me: Oh, shut your mouth. You have a husband and are good with people. I have to fill my empty soul and mask my ability to fuck everything up with other hobbies.
k: Mmm, feeling a little dark today, my pap?
me: Oh, shut your mouth. You have a husband and are good with people. I have to fill my empty soul and mask my ability to fuck everything up with other hobbies.
k: Mmm, feeling a little dark today, my pap?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Don't Be Jealous of My Life
a: Have you ever looked up dollhouse furniture online? There's some weird stuff out there. People really get into it.
me: Why the fuck did you look up doll furniture online?!
a: Long story ... but it involves finishing out a birdhouse for a contest. And I'm going to Hobby Lobby after work in search of doll house furniture.
me: HA
a: Don't be jealous of my life.
me: You should be jealous of my life. I'm in work hell. And my iPod died around lunch. I've been listening to 3 Bon Iver songs on repeat on his myspace page for hours. Starting to consider suicide. I literally screamed MAYDAY when it died.
a: No Pandora there? Or someone with an iPod charger?
me: Fucking iPod shuffle. Pandora irritates me for some reason. Not enough of my favorites.
a: Ya know you can listen to radio stations through iTunes.
me: They won't put iTunes back on my computer because I take up too many gigs. They force me to use my iPod.
a: Hahahaha. they hate you.
me: MUTUAL
a: It doesn't count if you use it correctly.
me: That was the irony! I loved it!
a: And that, my friends, is what you call full circle. Ta da!
me: BAM!
me: Why the fuck did you look up doll furniture online?!
a: Long story ... but it involves finishing out a birdhouse for a contest. And I'm going to Hobby Lobby after work in search of doll house furniture.
me: HA
a: Don't be jealous of my life.
me: You should be jealous of my life. I'm in work hell. And my iPod died around lunch. I've been listening to 3 Bon Iver songs on repeat on his myspace page for hours. Starting to consider suicide. I literally screamed MAYDAY when it died.
a: No Pandora there? Or someone with an iPod charger?
me: Fucking iPod shuffle. Pandora irritates me for some reason. Not enough of my favorites.
a: Ya know you can listen to radio stations through iTunes.
me: They won't put iTunes back on my computer because I take up too many gigs. They force me to use my iPod.
a: Hahahaha. they hate you.
me: MUTUAL
a: It doesn't count if you use it correctly.
me: That was the irony! I loved it!
a: And that, my friends, is what you call full circle. Ta da!
me: BAM!
ALL CAPS SPICES UP ANY CONVERSATION
me: Breaking news. S has a class in town on Thursday, so she is coming down tomorrow night to stay with me.
k: That bitch!
me: How dare!
k: I guess I'll go kill myself then.
me: DON'T DO IT. JUST DON'T DO IT. THE HEAVENS AREN'T READY FOR YOU. YOU STILL HAVE MORE WORK TO DO ON EARTH.
k: Tell S she'll have to live with that on her conscience for the rest of her life. I am going to turn the bedazzler gun on my own face. And chug sequins. And snort paint.
me: I'm waiting to hear back from her to see if she is staying the weekend. I don't know. If that is not the case, wanna hang Thursday? Or Sunday night? OR EVER AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF OUR LIVES?!?!?
k: How about YES.
me: How about CORRECT ANSWER.
k: How about THURSDAYS MEANS PROJECT RUNWAY MEANS YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TALK.
me: I LOVE IT.
k: That bitch!
me: How dare!
k: I guess I'll go kill myself then.
me: DON'T DO IT. JUST DON'T DO IT. THE HEAVENS AREN'T READY FOR YOU. YOU STILL HAVE MORE WORK TO DO ON EARTH.
k: Tell S she'll have to live with that on her conscience for the rest of her life. I am going to turn the bedazzler gun on my own face. And chug sequins. And snort paint.
me: I'm waiting to hear back from her to see if she is staying the weekend. I don't know. If that is not the case, wanna hang Thursday? Or Sunday night? OR EVER AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF OUR LIVES?!?!?
k: How about YES.
me: How about CORRECT ANSWER.
k: How about THURSDAYS MEANS PROJECT RUNWAY MEANS YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TALK.
me: I LOVE IT.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Aging Too Fast
c: I'm already hungry and want lunch.
me: Eat some prunes.
c: What? Prunes? Who has prunes lying around and why would I want that?
me: I have an entire bag in my cabinet. At my desk. They make you poo.
c: I'm good on the poo front. I have egg salad for lunch on double fiber bread. Yea, I'm 78, what of it?
me: HAHHAHAHHA, I just screamed.
c: Soft foods are easier to chew without my teefs in.
me: Stop it. I'm dying.
c: Look who's talking, prunes. Can we live in a retirement community together and drink white wine Franzia spritzers, eat egg salad and prunes, and squeeze the young volunteer boys' butts?
me: YES, but my egg salad will be tuna salad. Hard boiled eggs give me a palsy.
c: Palsy...
me: Meeting. brb
me: Eat some prunes.
c: What? Prunes? Who has prunes lying around and why would I want that?
me: I have an entire bag in my cabinet. At my desk. They make you poo.
c: I'm good on the poo front. I have egg salad for lunch on double fiber bread. Yea, I'm 78, what of it?
me: HAHHAHAHHA, I just screamed.
c: Soft foods are easier to chew without my teefs in.
me: Stop it. I'm dying.
c: Look who's talking, prunes. Can we live in a retirement community together and drink white wine Franzia spritzers, eat egg salad and prunes, and squeeze the young volunteer boys' butts?
me: YES, but my egg salad will be tuna salad. Hard boiled eggs give me a palsy.
c: Palsy...
me: Meeting. brb
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
29 Hours in a Box
c: Still bored? Got you something: http://www.2birds1blog.com/2008/09/trapped-in-box-for-29-hours.html
me: Would you rather spend 29 hours trapped in a box with Tyra Banks or Linsday Lohan?
c: LL because Tyra wouldnt stop smiling at me with her eyes ... and LL would likely be passed out from whatever giny-bumping drug binge she just got off of.
me: giny-bumping?!?!??! Foul.
c: Too much?
me: hahahahahaha
c: Would you rather be stuck in a box for 29 hours with Paula Abdul or Gwenyth Paltrow (goop)?
me: The addition of (goop) was priceless. Man, this one is hard. Because neither of them have any idea how out-of-touch with reality they are. I think I'd have to go with Gwyneth Paltrow because she is more delusional in the style of Luna Lovegood from HP. Paula is delusional like she got raped by her dad and hasn't dealt with it yet. And, yeah, she'd probably bring drugs, but I have enough of my own Xanax to tune her out.
c: I'd take Abdrool. If only to spend the majority of the 29 hours attempting to decipher what she said. That and she reminds me of my mom.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
c: Gweny is just a goopy twat.
me: Okay, okay, I think this is a good one: Richard Simmons or Andy Dick.
c: Oh jesus, touche. Andy Dick. And honestly the SOLE reason is that Richard Simmons partially-bald-white-man afro gives me the general heeby jeebys and Andy Dick is not allowed to touch me, as per the rules, so I'd be safe.
Okay, I gots one for you: XXXXXX or Hitler.
me: S's FRIEND XXXXXX?!?!?!?
c: Yes.
me: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hitler because at least I could learn something about such a bizarre historical figure. XXXXXX, nothing but annoyed for 29 hours.
c: And that box may fill with tears. Ergo death, drown in tears.
me: God, that really would be my own personal hell. Okay, okay, let met think again. Rosie O'Donnell or Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
c: Easy ... Rosie. Although, if she started spouting off her fucking poetry I might die, like head exploding from shoulders.
me: She might. It's a real possibility.
c: Meh, okay. Then I change my mind. Elizabeth ... I disagree with absolutely everything she stands for.
me: Me too.
c: But she's so fucking stupid that I'd just wear sparkly earrings or something and she would be mesmerized into a quiet stupor for 29 hours.
me: VERY good call.
c: Okay, lemme think ... Chris Brown or Mike Vick.
me: So hard!
Chris Brown. I would be interested to hear him blather on about why he didn't mean it and listen to his attempt to rationalize what he did and how he's going to fix his pathetic career. Vick is already back in the game and allegedly working with animal rescue groups now.
c: I would choose Chris too ... only to ask him to explain to me why ... then I would break into the chorus of UMBRELLA-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh for 29 hours straight.
me: HA. Taylor Lautner or Shia LeBouf.
c: Oh. Well, per the rules, you cannot have sexual relations with this person in the box or afterward ... and you can never see them again ... so i will have to choose Taylor for a few reasons:
c: It's think of this ... or think of work. This wins. Lady GaGa or Obama.
me: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE?
c: It's a part of the game, madame. See what you just put me through?
me: Holy shit, I am so torn. The part that you can never see them again makes it difficult. My instinct is to say Lady Gaga. What are the chances I would get to hang out with her unless we were quarantined in a box together for 29 hours anyway? But! I fear that she would lose her mystical power over me.
Actually, no, I don't think it would go away. I think she would stay in character the entire time and entertain me for 29 straight hours.
c: You might break her ... then she'd just be a big-nosed normal girl. Career killer.
me: Obama would have smart things to say that I wouldn't understand. I can worship him from afar and google things he talks about that I don't understand. In person, my lack of knowledge would be so obvious.
Lady Gaga, I officially choose Lady Gaga.
me: Would you rather spend 29 hours trapped in a box with Tyra Banks or Linsday Lohan?
c: LL because Tyra wouldnt stop smiling at me with her eyes ... and LL would likely be passed out from whatever giny-bumping drug binge she just got off of.
me: giny-bumping?!?!??! Foul.
c: Too much?
me: hahahahahaha
c: Would you rather be stuck in a box for 29 hours with Paula Abdul or Gwenyth Paltrow (goop)?
me: The addition of (goop) was priceless. Man, this one is hard. Because neither of them have any idea how out-of-touch with reality they are. I think I'd have to go with Gwyneth Paltrow because she is more delusional in the style of Luna Lovegood from HP. Paula is delusional like she got raped by her dad and hasn't dealt with it yet. And, yeah, she'd probably bring drugs, but I have enough of my own Xanax to tune her out.
c: I'd take Abdrool. If only to spend the majority of the 29 hours attempting to decipher what she said. That and she reminds me of my mom.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
c: Gweny is just a goopy twat.
me: Okay, okay, I think this is a good one: Richard Simmons or Andy Dick.
c: Oh jesus, touche. Andy Dick. And honestly the SOLE reason is that Richard Simmons partially-bald-white-man afro gives me the general heeby jeebys and Andy Dick is not allowed to touch me, as per the rules, so I'd be safe.
Okay, I gots one for you: XXXXXX or Hitler.
me: S's FRIEND XXXXXX?!?!?!?
c: Yes.
me: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hitler because at least I could learn something about such a bizarre historical figure. XXXXXX, nothing but annoyed for 29 hours.
c: And that box may fill with tears. Ergo death, drown in tears.
me: God, that really would be my own personal hell. Okay, okay, let met think again. Rosie O'Donnell or Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
c: Easy ... Rosie. Although, if she started spouting off her fucking poetry I might die, like head exploding from shoulders.
me: She might. It's a real possibility.
c: Meh, okay. Then I change my mind. Elizabeth ... I disagree with absolutely everything she stands for.
me: Me too.
c: But she's so fucking stupid that I'd just wear sparkly earrings or something and she would be mesmerized into a quiet stupor for 29 hours.
me: VERY good call.
c: Okay, lemme think ... Chris Brown or Mike Vick.
me: So hard!
Chris Brown. I would be interested to hear him blather on about why he didn't mean it and listen to his attempt to rationalize what he did and how he's going to fix his pathetic career. Vick is already back in the game and allegedly working with animal rescue groups now.
c: I would choose Chris too ... only to ask him to explain to me why ... then I would break into the chorus of UMBRELLA-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh for 29 hours straight.
me: HA. Taylor Lautner or Shia LeBouf.
c: Oh. Well, per the rules, you cannot have sexual relations with this person in the box or afterward ... and you can never see them again ... so i will have to choose Taylor for a few reasons:
- He's a child, so hopefully the knowledge that I would go to jail would make the non-sexing easier.
- That way my delusion that Shia and I will one day meet and fall in love and do it can stay alive and intact (insert me slitting wrists when he announces his engagement to Ms. WhatsHerNameNotGoodEnoughActress).
c: It's think of this ... or think of work. This wins. Lady GaGa or Obama.
me: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE?
c: It's a part of the game, madame. See what you just put me through?
me: Holy shit, I am so torn. The part that you can never see them again makes it difficult. My instinct is to say Lady Gaga. What are the chances I would get to hang out with her unless we were quarantined in a box together for 29 hours anyway? But! I fear that she would lose her mystical power over me.
Actually, no, I don't think it would go away. I think she would stay in character the entire time and entertain me for 29 straight hours.
c: You might break her ... then she'd just be a big-nosed normal girl. Career killer.
me: Obama would have smart things to say that I wouldn't understand. I can worship him from afar and google things he talks about that I don't understand. In person, my lack of knowledge would be so obvious.
Lady Gaga, I officially choose Lady Gaga.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
