Someone Wants to Talk to You

k: I am eating a burrito right now so go fuck yourself. Your mom doesn't love you anymore. She loves me now.

me: IT'S NOT TRUE

k: She's sitting right here next to me. Here, I'll put her on.
Hi, M. It's C, the mom formerly known as your mom. I'm K's mom now. So go fuck yourself.

me: Oh, I have your husband here with me right now. Let me put him on.
Hi K, it's Husbandtowne. When I told you that you were like a drug and I loved you even though you ruined my life, I meant it. But then I met Candy Finnergan from Intervention and she showed me that you are an enabler. So I'm done with you. And, oh yeah, that song I wrote, it's about M.

k: FUCK. Well, here's Kanye West:
Yo, M. I'm really happy for you, but K's mom is the best mom ever. And you are just a sad, teenage-vampire loving clown who cries over pictures of Lady Gaga's man bulge.

me: Well, here's Taylor Swift:
I'm simple. Let's play guitar.

k: NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE THAT.

me: THAT WAS TAYLOR SPEAKING FOR HERSELF. DON'T TAKE HER VOICE AWAY.
Oh, wait, she has one more thing she wants to tell you:
I look like a cat.

k: EFFFFFFFF. Seriously, I just ate a burrito. I wish I was dead.

me: Let's sit at the fancy table and have a full hibachi lunch. You won't puke. I swear.

k: I will have a salad and an enema.

me: Will that enema be dine-in or to-go?

k: I'm gonna brown bag it.