me: An Australian bartender on the Lower East Side recommended this Brooklyn tattoo place. It is fucking amazing.
c: An Australian bartender could tell me he wanted to tattoo me with a needle from an AIDS patient, a hammer and poisoned ink and I would agree. Such is the life of me.
me: BAHHH
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Go 'head and Tell'em
me: How do you put music notes in your gmail status message?
p: Google talk has a feature. Show current music track.
me: Celosa. That's jealous in Spanish.
p: Don't you have google talk?
me: No, just gmail. Are you embarrassed that I know you're listening to Soulja Boy right now?
p: Hahaha no, I just forgot to put Tell'em in iTunes. Stupid oversight.
me: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now. I only speak the language of dirty-haired, plaid-shirted, angsty indie boys.
p: His name is Soulja Boy Tell'em.
me: That is his full "artist" name? As in, "Go on and tell 'em. My name is Soulja Boy"?
p: Correct, have to include the Tell'em.
me: Hmm, well, good for him. You can "tell 'em" I said that. You like what I did there?
p: Hahaha, that was incredible.
p: Google talk has a feature. Show current music track.
me: Celosa. That's jealous in Spanish.
p: Don't you have google talk?
me: No, just gmail. Are you embarrassed that I know you're listening to Soulja Boy right now?
p: Hahaha no, I just forgot to put Tell'em in iTunes. Stupid oversight.
me: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now. I only speak the language of dirty-haired, plaid-shirted, angsty indie boys.
p: His name is Soulja Boy Tell'em.
me: That is his full "artist" name? As in, "Go on and tell 'em. My name is Soulja Boy"?
p: Correct, have to include the Tell'em.
me: Hmm, well, good for him. You can "tell 'em" I said that. You like what I did there?
p: Hahaha, that was incredible.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Whoops
me: Any news on Osama Bin Laden?
p: Haha. Wait, why did I laugh? Shit.
me: Hahahaha
p: No, haven't heard anything.
me: Bummer. I was hoping for some excitement. Wait, why do I want excitement from that?
p: Hahahaaha. Yeah, some bloody Brit is going to jail. Wait, why do I want a young kid to screw up the rest of his life?
me: This conversation is amazing.
p: It's really fantastic.
p: Haha. Wait, why did I laugh? Shit.
me: Hahahaha
p: No, haven't heard anything.
me: Bummer. I was hoping for some excitement. Wait, why do I want excitement from that?
p: Hahahaaha. Yeah, some bloody Brit is going to jail. Wait, why do I want a young kid to screw up the rest of his life?
me: This conversation is amazing.
p: It's really fantastic.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Lub, Truuuuue Lub
c: Hey, M, does L's whirlwind romance give you hope for one of your own?
me: No. I'm not Christian or a virgin.
c: Haha, I meant meet someone and BAM marriage.
me: No. I'm not shiny and happy. It only happens to shiny and happy people. I need someone who has the time to wade through my shit and decide they still want to put up with me.
c: Omg, we are both such Debbie Downers. Misery loves company. And I couldn't ask for better company.
me: Awww, that was sweet in such a sick way.
c: Hahahaha. Oh! Did I tell you J is marrying H with an online preacher's certificate and they are having him wear a monocle? He's going to look like the Monopoly man. They also want him to wear a top hat and cane. I couldn't hold my tongue. I said, "H, he's short, rotund and with that absurd outfit I will expect him to say 'Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail.' instead of 'You may kiss the bride.'"
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa]
me: No. I'm not Christian or a virgin.
c: Haha, I meant meet someone and BAM marriage.
me: No. I'm not shiny and happy. It only happens to shiny and happy people. I need someone who has the time to wade through my shit and decide they still want to put up with me.
c: Omg, we are both such Debbie Downers. Misery loves company. And I couldn't ask for better company.
me: Awww, that was sweet in such a sick way.
c: Hahahaha. Oh! Did I tell you J is marrying H with an online preacher's certificate and they are having him wear a monocle? He's going to look like the Monopoly man. They also want him to wear a top hat and cane. I couldn't hold my tongue. I said, "H, he's short, rotund and with that absurd outfit I will expect him to say 'Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail.' instead of 'You may kiss the bride.'"
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Not Everyone Can Do It as Good as Us
a: Omg. J is the worst gchatter ever. He types a sentence that's not a question, but that clearly has a follow up. Then pauses for 3 minutes like he's waiting for a reply or for you to say, "Go on." It drives me insane.
me: Oh, jesus.
a: And my venting is done. Scene.
me: You just have to brain dump with gchat.
a: Exactly. Let your fingers flow. This is what I've been waiting on for 4 minutes
a: I mean, seriously? The sentence before his first was, "There's another wrinkle ..." And it took him 2 minutes to type that next sentence.
me: WTF? Why the face!??!?!?
a: EGGS-ACTLY. Sigh. My cramps are making me short-fused.
me: Oh man, I had some killer ones on Friday.
a: My uterus has been screaming for 16 hours. Aaaaaaand i just shut J's window down. I can't be bothered with that.
me: I just snorted.
a: Nice.
me: Oh, jesus.
a: And my venting is done. Scene.
me: You just have to brain dump with gchat.
a: Exactly. Let your fingers flow. This is what I've been waiting on for 4 minutes
J: What i was going to say. B heard that M rescheduled on me, so he and I went to lunchme: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
me: And?
a: I mean, seriously? The sentence before his first was, "There's another wrinkle ..." And it took him 2 minutes to type that next sentence.
me: WTF? Why the face!??!?!?
a: EGGS-ACTLY. Sigh. My cramps are making me short-fused.
me: Oh man, I had some killer ones on Friday.
a: My uterus has been screaming for 16 hours. Aaaaaaand i just shut J's window down. I can't be bothered with that.
me: I just snorted.
a: Nice.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Male Coworker Reflects on Teen Mom
me: I LOVE Teen Mom. Did you watch Intervention last night?
p: No, I have it on DVR. Was it a good one?
me: Yeah, it was pretty good. Drunk Southern mom. With a teenage daughter who was not giving her an ounce of slack.
p: Who is your fav teen mom ... waiting in anticipation.
me: Hard question! I like them all for different reasons. Maci intrigues me. Amber and Gary are like a disgusting train wreck. I don't know how Farrah ties her shoes every morning, let alone raise a kid.
p: Really! There is nothing to like about Farrah! I love Farrah's mom.
me: The relationship between Catelynn and her boo's parents blows my mind. Butch.
p: Butch is heading to jail tonight, can't wait.
me: REALLY!? They are so backwoods. I mean, do you realize that Butch is the father of the baby daddy yet living with the mother of the baby mama? It's all too much.
p: I really feel for Catelynn. And Yo Boy Ty, too.
me: I do too. They seem like really good kids. And they care so much about each other! It's really sweet.
p: And i think Bant-lee is the cutest baby.
me: HA. He is!
p: Rhine is an asswhole.
me: You are fucking killing me with your pronunciations.
p: I meen it! They ain't gonna last in 'Nooga together. Gawd, I want to go to Chattanooga.
me: And have a college weekend with Maci and the girls.
p: Yeah, they are three hours away. I want to know where they went. Maci should've lived with her parents the entire time! Sweet pad!
me: Did you think it awfully ironic when Gary went to lift weights to blow off steam? I mean, a little cardio might have been in his better interest.
p: Where to begin with that duo. Seedy motel. Cracker Barrel! LOST IT.
me: Bahahahhahahaha. I totally eat at Cracker Barrel with my parents. Once, we went there for dinner on a Saturday night and then went to see Gran Torino. Living life^max.
p: I can't picture you eating a single thing from the Barrel. This is mind boggling.
me: Hashbrown casserole!!!!!!!!!!
p: BAHAHAHAHA Do you buy the fucking massive lollipops? And sit in the rocking chairs to wait ... party of three.
me: The hard candy sticks. And yes.
p: Haha awesome. So you can relate to the portly Gary.
me: I mean, I have known his kind in my day.
p: A romantic night consists of a candle and meatloaf.
me: I LOVE MEATLOAF!
p: Amber loves meatloaf as well. And the poor people can't even afford a crib. Leah sleeps in a play pen!
me: Only a pack-n-play. Have you noticed the unfortunate mole on the back of Leah's head?
p: No, I will look for it tonight. Quite large?
me: Pretty large. At the sworl on the back of her head. Or is it a whorl? Yeah, spell check didn't underline that.
p: Hahaha, whirl whorl swirl
p: No, I have it on DVR. Was it a good one?
me: Yeah, it was pretty good. Drunk Southern mom. With a teenage daughter who was not giving her an ounce of slack.
p: Who is your fav teen mom ... waiting in anticipation.
me: Hard question! I like them all for different reasons. Maci intrigues me. Amber and Gary are like a disgusting train wreck. I don't know how Farrah ties her shoes every morning, let alone raise a kid.
p: Really! There is nothing to like about Farrah! I love Farrah's mom.
me: The relationship between Catelynn and her boo's parents blows my mind. Butch.
p: Butch is heading to jail tonight, can't wait.
me: REALLY!? They are so backwoods. I mean, do you realize that Butch is the father of the baby daddy yet living with the mother of the baby mama? It's all too much.
p: I really feel for Catelynn. And Yo Boy Ty, too.
me: I do too. They seem like really good kids. And they care so much about each other! It's really sweet.
p: And i think Bant-lee is the cutest baby.
me: HA. He is!
p: Rhine is an asswhole.
me: You are fucking killing me with your pronunciations.
p: I meen it! They ain't gonna last in 'Nooga together. Gawd, I want to go to Chattanooga.
me: And have a college weekend with Maci and the girls.
p: Yeah, they are three hours away. I want to know where they went. Maci should've lived with her parents the entire time! Sweet pad!
me: Did you think it awfully ironic when Gary went to lift weights to blow off steam? I mean, a little cardio might have been in his better interest.
p: Where to begin with that duo. Seedy motel. Cracker Barrel! LOST IT.
me: Bahahahhahahaha. I totally eat at Cracker Barrel with my parents. Once, we went there for dinner on a Saturday night and then went to see Gran Torino. Living life^max.
p: I can't picture you eating a single thing from the Barrel. This is mind boggling.
me: Hashbrown casserole!!!!!!!!!!
p: BAHAHAHAHA Do you buy the fucking massive lollipops? And sit in the rocking chairs to wait ... party of three.
me: The hard candy sticks. And yes.
p: Haha awesome. So you can relate to the portly Gary.
me: I mean, I have known his kind in my day.
p: A romantic night consists of a candle and meatloaf.
me: I LOVE MEATLOAF!
p: Amber loves meatloaf as well. And the poor people can't even afford a crib. Leah sleeps in a play pen!
me: Only a pack-n-play. Have you noticed the unfortunate mole on the back of Leah's head?
p: No, I will look for it tonight. Quite large?
me: Pretty large. At the sworl on the back of her head. Or is it a whorl? Yeah, spell check didn't underline that.
p: Hahaha, whirl whorl swirl
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sick, man.
me: Who is the ghetto friend on your Facebook page? I am stalking, sorry.
c: He was one of my biffles in high school (just a big pot head, not ghetto back then). Lost touch after school. Caught up a bit recently ... which apparently means I want to be tagged in 57 videos of "sick mad beatz yo" that he's been making.
me: Hahahhahahaha, I thought there was some inside joke going on with the videos.
c: No, no. Just me internally getting more and more annoyed.
me: Do you know how many people he is tagging in his "sick mad beatz yo"? And also, are these original "sick mad beatz yo" or he is just tagging you in songs that he likes? This is all so bizarre.
c: No, he makes them. Eventually an eruption of "YOU'RE A JEWISH WHITE KID, NOT DR. DRE aaaand YOU HAD A BOWL CUT IN HIGH SCHOOL" will come exploding out of my fingertips. Soon.
me: I anxiously await.
c: He was one of my biffles in high school (just a big pot head, not ghetto back then). Lost touch after school. Caught up a bit recently ... which apparently means I want to be tagged in 57 videos of "sick mad beatz yo" that he's been making.
me: Hahahhahahaha, I thought there was some inside joke going on with the videos.
c: No, no. Just me internally getting more and more annoyed.
me: Do you know how many people he is tagging in his "sick mad beatz yo"? And also, are these original "sick mad beatz yo" or he is just tagging you in songs that he likes? This is all so bizarre.
c: No, he makes them. Eventually an eruption of "YOU'RE A JEWISH WHITE KID, NOT DR. DRE aaaand YOU HAD A BOWL CUT IN HIGH SCHOOL" will come exploding out of my fingertips. Soon.
me: I anxiously await.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Maury Povich Texted Me
(000) M.C., you are NOT the godmother. :)
(804) YAYAYAYAY! PS-Best "I'm not pregnant" announcement I've ever gotten.
(804) YAYAYAYAY! PS-Best "I'm not pregnant" announcement I've ever gotten.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Gladys and the Nightingale Pimps
l: I feel guilty, but most famous females annoy me.
me: Hahahhahaa. Mushy Barton has scored an episode on Law & Order: SVU to play A HOOKER NAMED GLADYS!
n: She really creeps me out.
l: GLADYS? As in, the pimps? Oops, that was supposed to be nightingales?
me: Hahahahahha, what is going on?
l: Or pimps? Cold medicine makes me loopy.
me: I'm remembering a Kanye lyric ... Like the pimps and their Gladys or something?
n: Are you talking about Gladys Knight and the Pips?
me: HAAAA ... that's it.
l: PIPS - Mom just confirmed. Whoa.
n: Whoa is right, I need some of those cold meds to help me through this work week.
l: They ain't doin' enough. I have been waking up like 4-5 times per night with a roaring throat.
me: I need some propofol or whatever Michael Jackson had. I wanna sleep.
PS--N told us that somebody dropped a bottle of that in the hospital and a doc said "Michael Jackson just rolled over in his grave." And then they did a virtual high five to remain sterile.
n: Hahahahaa, oh my god.
me: Hahahhahaa. Mushy Barton has scored an episode on Law & Order: SVU to play A HOOKER NAMED GLADYS!
n: She really creeps me out.
l: GLADYS? As in, the pimps? Oops, that was supposed to be nightingales?
me: Hahahahahha, what is going on?
l: Or pimps? Cold medicine makes me loopy.
me: I'm remembering a Kanye lyric ... Like the pimps and their Gladys or something?
n: Are you talking about Gladys Knight and the Pips?
me: HAAAA ... that's it.
l: PIPS - Mom just confirmed. Whoa.
n: Whoa is right, I need some of those cold meds to help me through this work week.
l: They ain't doin' enough. I have been waking up like 4-5 times per night with a roaring throat.
me: I need some propofol or whatever Michael Jackson had. I wanna sleep.
PS--N told us that somebody dropped a bottle of that in the hospital and a doc said "Michael Jackson just rolled over in his grave." And then they did a virtual high five to remain sterile.
n: Hahahahaa, oh my god.
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