c: Xan-tini with a Marlboro chaser.
me: Greatest thing you've ever said.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Shameful Internet History
me: http://www.bored.com/playmash/
c: Can we play this together?!
me: After visiting a website called Mexican Taint to download the New Moon soundtrack at work, I'm scared to add www.bored.com to my internet history.
c: MEXICAN TAINT
me: I think even internet trolls looking for copyright infringements were too scared to click on the link to that site, CUZ FILE'S STILL THERE AND I GOT THE NEW MOON SOUNDTRACK FOR FREE.
c: Is it good? I heard it's goood.
me: Welp, my hard drive is crammed with pictures of me being hideous and music that I hate and doesn't even have room to extract the .rar file I yoinked from Mexican Taint. So I have to move some stuff over to the external hard drive. I'll alert you when it's on Dropbox.
I JUST SOUNDED LIKE A MEEK
c: Haha, yes you did. But it's ok, meeks would NEVER go pantsless for Halloween. You're safe to live another day.
c: Can we play this together?!
me: After visiting a website called Mexican Taint to download the New Moon soundtrack at work, I'm scared to add www.bored.com to my internet history.
c: MEXICAN TAINT
me: I think even internet trolls looking for copyright infringements were too scared to click on the link to that site, CUZ FILE'S STILL THERE AND I GOT THE NEW MOON SOUNDTRACK FOR FREE.
c: Is it good? I heard it's goood.
me: Welp, my hard drive is crammed with pictures of me being hideous and music that I hate and doesn't even have room to extract the .rar file I yoinked from Mexican Taint. So I have to move some stuff over to the external hard drive. I'll alert you when it's on Dropbox.
I JUST SOUNDED LIKE A MEEK
c: Haha, yes you did. But it's ok, meeks would NEVER go pantsless for Halloween. You're safe to live another day.
Old Man Tugboat
c: Actual interaction I just had:
Random Goatee'd Fellow: Are you married?
Me: No.
RGF: Oh ...
Me: [Raise one eyebrow, look back to my blog, wishing to not be bothered anymore.]
RGF: Do you mind if I ask why?
me: BAHAHAHHA
c: [Enter Leo, a.k.a. Tugboat who farts all over the office]
"Come on back to the conference room."
I will be baffled for the rest of the day.
me: You have a coworker ... named Leo ... called Tugboat ... who farts all over your office. Give me one good reason why I didn't already know this.
c: Oh, I have NO idea. SOOO ... there's this tenant in the back of the office. He rents a back room.
He is approx 87.5 years old.
He is a "lawyer" who writes up wills.
His office is decorated with cross-stitched landscapes of the country.
Family reunion photos.
And pieces of what I can only assume to be driftwood, that has been lacquered and set with clocks.
He also has a 6-year-old adopted Indian child.
ANYWHO ... so he is an annoyance to everyone in the office because he talks extremely loud on his phone (early onset old man deaf syndrome, I presume) and hacks up phlegm that has presumably rested in his chest since 1964.
He wears old man khakis everyday, with a short sleeve flannel shirt, coloring differs day to day, and a clip on tie with white, Walmart brand kicks.
Shoelaces ... never tied.
His clients always smell, and always insist on talking to me.
So he tugboats up and down the hallways, farting per step.
Audibly.
Not once in awhile ... every time.
But he gives me $100 in a Christmas card every Christmas ... so I fake a smile, hold my breath and wait for Dec 23rd.
me: I just walked back to my desk to find I have just received the greatest gchat in the history of mankind. Yes, from you.
c: Well, October 27th, I knew it was a big day.
Random Goatee'd Fellow: Are you married?
Me: No.
RGF: Oh ...
Me: [Raise one eyebrow, look back to my blog, wishing to not be bothered anymore.]
RGF: Do you mind if I ask why?
me: BAHAHAHHA
c: [Enter Leo, a.k.a. Tugboat who farts all over the office]
"Come on back to the conference room."
I will be baffled for the rest of the day.
me: You have a coworker ... named Leo ... called Tugboat ... who farts all over your office. Give me one good reason why I didn't already know this.
c: Oh, I have NO idea. SOOO ... there's this tenant in the back of the office. He rents a back room.
He is approx 87.5 years old.
He is a "lawyer" who writes up wills.
His office is decorated with cross-stitched landscapes of the country.
Family reunion photos.
And pieces of what I can only assume to be driftwood, that has been lacquered and set with clocks.
He also has a 6-year-old adopted Indian child.
ANYWHO ... so he is an annoyance to everyone in the office because he talks extremely loud on his phone (early onset old man deaf syndrome, I presume) and hacks up phlegm that has presumably rested in his chest since 1964.
He wears old man khakis everyday, with a short sleeve flannel shirt, coloring differs day to day, and a clip on tie with white, Walmart brand kicks.
Shoelaces ... never tied.
His clients always smell, and always insist on talking to me.
So he tugboats up and down the hallways, farting per step.
Audibly.
Not once in awhile ... every time.
But he gives me $100 in a Christmas card every Christmas ... so I fake a smile, hold my breath and wait for Dec 23rd.
me: I just walked back to my desk to find I have just received the greatest gchat in the history of mankind. Yes, from you.
c: Well, October 27th, I knew it was a big day.
Monday, October 26, 2009
We Heart Working
a: I say MICRO, you say MANAGING! Micro! Managing! Micro! Managing! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: MANAGING! Sorry, I came in a little late on that one.
a: Hahaha. One more time: MICRO!
me: MANAGING!
a: MICRO!
me: MANAGING!
a: Go team.
me: Damn, that felt good.
a: If you couldn't tell, boss is back. And is en fuego. Constructing email templates and whatnot.
me: Jesus. I would like to think our college degrees would lead people to believe we can draft emails on our own.
a: One. would. think.
me: Hey, I have an unrelated question. Do you think if I write a story about my parents dying that I am going to cause them to die?
a: Abso not.
me: Ok. Good to know.
a: Fiction is fiction.
me: And friction is friction. Haven't had any of that in a while. ZING!
a: Hey-yo! (me neither)
me: MANAGING! Sorry, I came in a little late on that one.
a: Hahaha. One more time: MICRO!
me: MANAGING!
a: MICRO!
me: MANAGING!
a: Go team.
me: Damn, that felt good.
a: If you couldn't tell, boss is back. And is en fuego. Constructing email templates and whatnot.
me: Jesus. I would like to think our college degrees would lead people to believe we can draft emails on our own.
a: One. would. think.
me: Hey, I have an unrelated question. Do you think if I write a story about my parents dying that I am going to cause them to die?
a: Abso not.
me: Ok. Good to know.
a: Fiction is fiction.
me: And friction is friction. Haven't had any of that in a while. ZING!
a: Hey-yo! (me neither)
Almost 30
a: I was just filling someone in on what I did this weekend, and I realized that the highlight was having a burping contest in a stranger's garage while wearing a helmet and holding a hacksaw.
me: THAT IS THE GREATEST SENTENCE TO HAVE EVER BEEN UTTERED.
a: Tried to take pictures on my phone but they didn't turn out too well.
me: THAT IS THE GREATEST SENTENCE TO HAVE EVER BEEN UTTERED.
a: Tried to take pictures on my phone but they didn't turn out too well.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Everything Comes Back to the Bowels
c: Sidenote: I have been having the urge to vom all day ... and I just burped, and it went away.
me: Ha! Your own homeopathic remedy.
c: Yup.
me: You're practically a guest writer for GOOP.
c: At first I was concerned that I was hungover from my three glasses of "Happy Birthday, Mom" wine. Which had me more worried that my tolerance had significantly diminished ... crisis averted. I'm not hungover ... I just have gas. Phew.
me: I had 3 glasses of wine last night. I am hungover. I had to eat Chipotle with carnitas for lunch. Now I feel like a house on wheels. You know, my quick feet being wheels.
c: Well if only you had the Sketcher's work out sneakers on, then you'd be a fly-by house. With a tight bum.
me: I'm thinking of Wizard of Oz now.
c: And now I want Chipotle. But not carnitas. Pork creeps me out.
me: Mmmm, it's so good. Except for the mooshy fat pieces.
c: Welp, there's the nausea again.
me: Ha! Your own homeopathic remedy.
c: Yup.
me: You're practically a guest writer for GOOP.
c: At first I was concerned that I was hungover from my three glasses of "Happy Birthday, Mom" wine. Which had me more worried that my tolerance had significantly diminished ... crisis averted. I'm not hungover ... I just have gas. Phew.
me: I had 3 glasses of wine last night. I am hungover. I had to eat Chipotle with carnitas for lunch. Now I feel like a house on wheels. You know, my quick feet being wheels.
c: Well if only you had the Sketcher's work out sneakers on, then you'd be a fly-by house. With a tight bum.
me: I'm thinking of Wizard of Oz now.
c: And now I want Chipotle. But not carnitas. Pork creeps me out.
me: Mmmm, it's so good. Except for the mooshy fat pieces.
c: Welp, there's the nausea again.
Emergency
(804) Everything okay? I missed your call.
(703) Does rye have gluten? Yes, everything is fine.
(804) Haha, yes it does.
(703) Does rye have gluten? Yes, everything is fine.
(804) Haha, yes it does.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Time for Me to Procreate
k: People need to stop procreating!!! It's so stupid and selfish and it's ruining my life.
me: Until I do. Then those babies will be special and it will be obvious they are meant to rule the world.
k: "Special," that's what you meant, right?
me: You got my back. By special I mean creepy.
k: Haha, of course.
me: You know I will have the creepiest kids ever. They won't have any filters on anything they say, nor manners.
k: And I will love them like they were my own.
me: Awwww, that's sweet though!
k: Which means I will try to set rules for them and try to punish them when they are bad and they won't listen to me.
me: Hahahahhaha!
k: Because I'll just be that weird drunk lady that hangs out with mom.
me: HA
k: But I will laugh a lot bossing them around. Oh, what a jolly good time! Please have kids soon. This sounds like so much fun.
me: I'm on it. Just let me find a suitor/male prostitute/sperm donor and your wish is my command.
k: Well, I need to get to work playing Free Cell.
me: Bahahaha, get it.
k: I'll update you on my progress when we take our break. This day is so tough.
me: Good luck. Play for the big win.
me: Until I do. Then those babies will be special and it will be obvious they are meant to rule the world.
k: "Special," that's what you meant, right?
me: You got my back. By special I mean creepy.
k: Haha, of course.
me: You know I will have the creepiest kids ever. They won't have any filters on anything they say, nor manners.
k: And I will love them like they were my own.
me: Awwww, that's sweet though!
k: Which means I will try to set rules for them and try to punish them when they are bad and they won't listen to me.
me: Hahahahhaha!
k: Because I'll just be that weird drunk lady that hangs out with mom.
me: HA
k: But I will laugh a lot bossing them around. Oh, what a jolly good time! Please have kids soon. This sounds like so much fun.
me: I'm on it. Just let me find a suitor/male prostitute/sperm donor and your wish is my command.
k: Well, I need to get to work playing Free Cell.
me: Bahahaha, get it.
k: I'll update you on my progress when we take our break. This day is so tough.
me: Good luck. Play for the big win.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Satan's Creatures
p: God, I fucking hate cats:
me: WHY DON"T THEY JUST FIGHT AND GET IT OVER WITH?! I mean, thank god they don't or we wouldn't get to hear those amazing baby wails coming from felines.
p: exCATly. I will never own one of those creatures.
me: God, I hate it when I meet guys and go over to their apartment and they fucking have a cat. It deflates me.
p: Hahaha. Ummm. nah, see ya! I agree. Men with cats is very unsettling.
me: And when they use baby talk. Baby talk to dogs is fine. But cats don't deserve it. And neither does your manhood.
p: .... jsahjal;shdalsjhasjl;hgahgapotwiiopanv
me: WHY DON"T THEY JUST FIGHT AND GET IT OVER WITH?! I mean, thank god they don't or we wouldn't get to hear those amazing baby wails coming from felines.
p: exCATly. I will never own one of those creatures.
me: God, I hate it when I meet guys and go over to their apartment and they fucking have a cat. It deflates me.
p: Hahaha. Ummm. nah, see ya! I agree. Men with cats is very unsettling.
me: And when they use baby talk. Baby talk to dogs is fine. But cats don't deserve it. And neither does your manhood.
p: .... jsahjal;shdalsjhasjl;hgahgapotwiiopanv
Busted by Lady Gaga
From: lb@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: One question
Is your gmail pic next to your name you as Lady Gaga?
From: me@email.com
To: lb@email.com
Subject: Re: One question
Hot damn, I wish it was me as Lady Gaga. It is simply just Lady Gaga. I change the pic of her out every couple days. Creepy.
From: lb@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: One question
So weird, because it really looks like it could be you dressed up as her.
How do you have so much time on your hands?
To: me@email.com
Subject: One question
Is your gmail pic next to your name you as Lady Gaga?
From: me@email.com
To: lb@email.com
Subject: Re: One question
Hot damn, I wish it was me as Lady Gaga. It is simply just Lady Gaga. I change the pic of her out every couple days. Creepy.
From: lb@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: One question
So weird, because it really looks like it could be you dressed up as her.
How do you have so much time on your hands?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Get ... under?
l: She told me I should hook up with him just for fun and because it'd be comfortable for me. But in a platonic way. And she didn't describe it as "hook up."
me: No way, man.
l: She just wants me to get under someone else, basically.
me: You just said, "GET UNDER"! I'm dying.
l: Let's see how many prepositions we can use with the beginning "get." We already know "get in" is fabulous.
me: "Get under" is now famous in my mind.
me: No way, man.
l: She just wants me to get under someone else, basically.
me: You just said, "GET UNDER"! I'm dying.
l: Let's see how many prepositions we can use with the beginning "get." We already know "get in" is fabulous.
me: "Get under" is now famous in my mind.
Bedazzle This
me: I'm about to drop $22 on a Bedazzler on my lunch break. It must be used again after the Lady Gaga panties. You are responsible for thinking of things to bedazzle.
k: My resume.
Your dad.
Nelson Mandela.
The turkey sandwich husbandtown made me.
I could go on and on.
me: HAAAAAa! E is bestowing me with a 50% off coupon! This day is really shaping up to be a winner.
k: My resume.
Your dad.
Nelson Mandela.
The turkey sandwich husbandtown made me.
I could go on and on.
me: HAAAAAa! E is bestowing me with a 50% off coupon! This day is really shaping up to be a winner.
Wish I Was There
From: ac@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Lurking online
The dog and I had the MOST glorious walk around town lake yesterday morning. Everyone and their brother and their dog were out on the trail yesterday taking advantage of our first week of fall. And, boy, it was a people watcher's dream. It KILLS me when I see people exercising in jeans. Like, kills me. All I can think of is how much that must be chafing. I passed several of those people yesterday, but the last one I was walking behind made me think of you. Let me explain before you think I'm telling you I see you exercising in Jordaches ...
I came upon this super cute indie guy who was walking his beagle. He and I were on the same pace so I was about 5 steps behind him for about 3/4 of a mile. The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing jeans, unfortunately. Second thing, that he was really cute. Third thing, that he had a great ass. I was trying not to stare at said ass (because it was RIGHT in front of me), when he takes off his shirt and throws it over his shoulder. Torso and arms are adorned with tattoos. So I start scanning his body trying to figure out what they all are, my gaze always sliding back to his ass. I had to purposefully focus on a spot in the woods while walking so that I wasn't so blatantly staring at him as other people passed us. I thought of you because this guy was right in your wheelhouse. :-)
How was your weekend? What did you do? Any staring at indie boy asses?
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Lurking online
The dog and I had the MOST glorious walk around town lake yesterday morning. Everyone and their brother and their dog were out on the trail yesterday taking advantage of our first week of fall. And, boy, it was a people watcher's dream. It KILLS me when I see people exercising in jeans. Like, kills me. All I can think of is how much that must be chafing. I passed several of those people yesterday, but the last one I was walking behind made me think of you. Let me explain before you think I'm telling you I see you exercising in Jordaches ...
I came upon this super cute indie guy who was walking his beagle. He and I were on the same pace so I was about 5 steps behind him for about 3/4 of a mile. The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing jeans, unfortunately. Second thing, that he was really cute. Third thing, that he had a great ass. I was trying not to stare at said ass (because it was RIGHT in front of me), when he takes off his shirt and throws it over his shoulder. Torso and arms are adorned with tattoos. So I start scanning his body trying to figure out what they all are, my gaze always sliding back to his ass. I had to purposefully focus on a spot in the woods while walking so that I wasn't so blatantly staring at him as other people passed us. I thought of you because this guy was right in your wheelhouse. :-)
How was your weekend? What did you do? Any staring at indie boy asses?
Friday, October 16, 2009
Fun with Drugs
From: gm@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: man
(You don't even need the sound on this one.)
I was amazed at how he bends backwards and can never reach the door.
I thought it was CGI, but it was LSD.
To: me@email.com
Subject: man
(You don't even need the sound on this one.)
I was amazed at how he bends backwards and can never reach the door.
I thought it was CGI, but it was LSD.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lost in Translation
k: Can you tell that this was written by an enthusiastic Indian man? I can.
"Dining at the restaurant is an extremely delectable and a delightful experience which soothes and rejuvenates your senses in the most suave and unwinding environment. From Pizzas to Dimsums and Kebabs to the most exotic beverages, we carefully craft every meal to be a spectacle that lingers … longer!"
me: HA. I want to have a longer lingering spectacle with an Indian man.
k: I keep saying "extremely delectable" in an Indian accent in my mind.
me: On the radio this morning, some idiot girl called in and they were asking her about the guys she dates. They asked if she dates Indians and her answer was, "I haven't, but I'm a vegetarian, so I go out to lunch with Indian people a lot."
k: Oh my god. I hate humanity
me: Hahahahhaha.
k: Except for this guy who is telling me to "exploit the chefs."
me: What? Wait. Did you write that and you are calling yourself an Indian man?
k: No!
me: Hahahahha
k: How dare you! No, I got that copy from the general manager in India. I need to polish the terds and make them shine for American audiences.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
k: "Slip into the pool deck ..." Um ... NO.
me: This is your funnest freelance assignment yet!
k: I hope all my other assignments come from India. This is too rich.
me: I hope they do too. Then I hope you and Husband break up and you fly to India to meet the man who is sending you this rich copy.
k: "Giving new meaning to Peshawari ..." I would settle for any sort of meaning, new or old
me: The meaning of this at all? The meaning? Anyone?
k: HAHAHA. Oh, you know old Peshawari, that old sonofabitch.
"Dining at the restaurant is an extremely delectable and a delightful experience which soothes and rejuvenates your senses in the most suave and unwinding environment. From Pizzas to Dimsums and Kebabs to the most exotic beverages, we carefully craft every meal to be a spectacle that lingers … longer!"
me: HA. I want to have a longer lingering spectacle with an Indian man.
k: I keep saying "extremely delectable" in an Indian accent in my mind.
me: On the radio this morning, some idiot girl called in and they were asking her about the guys she dates. They asked if she dates Indians and her answer was, "I haven't, but I'm a vegetarian, so I go out to lunch with Indian people a lot."
k: Oh my god. I hate humanity
me: Hahahahhaha.
k: Except for this guy who is telling me to "exploit the chefs."
me: What? Wait. Did you write that and you are calling yourself an Indian man?
k: No!
me: Hahahahha
k: How dare you! No, I got that copy from the general manager in India. I need to polish the terds and make them shine for American audiences.
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
k: "Slip into the pool deck ..." Um ... NO.
me: This is your funnest freelance assignment yet!
k: I hope all my other assignments come from India. This is too rich.
me: I hope they do too. Then I hope you and Husband break up and you fly to India to meet the man who is sending you this rich copy.
k: "Giving new meaning to Peshawari ..." I would settle for any sort of meaning, new or old
me: The meaning of this at all? The meaning? Anyone?
k: HAHAHA. Oh, you know old Peshawari, that old sonofabitch.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Please, Bare With Me
me: So I just googled to find out the correct use of "bear/bare with me." This is the WikiAnswer I found and I'm about to pee a little:
"Bear with me," is to ask for patience. "Bare with me" would be asking them to undress.
c: The next time I go to have sex ... which could be in years ... I am going to ask them to bare with me.
me: You've just sent me over the edge.
c: Well, if you ever receive a call late at night from me, and I don't say anything but then you hear me off in the distance say, "Will you please bare with me?" you will know that you are privy to me getting laid.
me: please. stop. I have my head down on my desk.
c: Hahaha. Let's be honest. It would be more of an incoherent, slurred, "Puhlalease ... buuurr wif meeee," cause I'd likely be on the verge of voming. Sober sex scares me ... and should be saved for marriage. Or at least after I snort a Xanax.
me: My coworker just caught me hunched over my drawer looking for an oil blotter and said, "Are you having a moment?" She handed me a piece of paper and I only realized I didn't have my glasses on (from crying) when I held the paper to my face like a legally blind person.
c: You say legally blind, I say adorably squinty.
"Bear with me," is to ask for patience. "Bare with me" would be asking them to undress.
c: The next time I go to have sex ... which could be in years ... I am going to ask them to bare with me.
me: You've just sent me over the edge.
c: Well, if you ever receive a call late at night from me, and I don't say anything but then you hear me off in the distance say, "Will you please bare with me?" you will know that you are privy to me getting laid.
me: please. stop. I have my head down on my desk.
c: Hahaha. Let's be honest. It would be more of an incoherent, slurred, "Puhlalease ... buuurr wif meeee," cause I'd likely be on the verge of voming. Sober sex scares me ... and should be saved for marriage. Or at least after I snort a Xanax.
me: My coworker just caught me hunched over my drawer looking for an oil blotter and said, "Are you having a moment?" She handed me a piece of paper and I only realized I didn't have my glasses on (from crying) when I held the paper to my face like a legally blind person.
c: You say legally blind, I say adorably squinty.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
'Lil G
a: Yeah
, the funny thing is that I'm almost out of toilet paper and thought I needed more Pepto. So I was thinking to myself that I would be so embarrassed going to the grocery and the only things I had to check out were TP and Pepto. No question about what's going on there.
me: Maybe this is what you have. This is a picture of giardia. J says, "He's the cutest bug ever under the microscope, p.s." Taunting with his happy ghoul eyes and mouth.
a: HA. That's so creepy. Like when stingrays smile.
, the funny thing is that I'm almost out of toilet paper and thought I needed more Pepto. So I was thinking to myself that I would be so embarrassed going to the grocery and the only things I had to check out were TP and Pepto. No question about what's going on there.me: Maybe this is what you have. This is a picture of giardia. J says, "He's the cutest bug ever under the microscope, p.s." Taunting with his happy ghoul eyes and mouth.
a: HA. That's so creepy. Like when stingrays smile.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Work aaaaand then Mustache Talk
From: pk@work.com
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Any update on this, MC Copywriter?
From: me@work.com
To: pk@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Of course not, PK Mustachio.
Coworkers aren’t happy. Neither am I.
From: pk@work.com
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Ok, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for an answer by Monday.
From: me@work.com
To: pk@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
I wonder what the mustache is going to look like on Monday. ::anticipation::
From: pk@work.com
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
I can’t wait.
Pretty much all of next week will be incredible.
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Any update on this, MC Copywriter?
From: me@work.com
To: pk@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Of course not, PK Mustachio.
Coworkers aren’t happy. Neither am I.
From: pk@work.com
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
Ok, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for an answer by Monday.
From: me@work.com
To: pk@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
I wonder what the mustache is going to look like on Monday. ::anticipation::
From: pk@work.com
To: me@work.com
Subject: Re: Printing emails
I can’t wait.
Pretty much all of next week will be incredible.
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