m: I'll leave you with this. C (Casper) decided that he should try and get a base tan before Hawaii so he doesnt roast his skin off. So I accompanied him to Energy Tan last night, and he flirted our way into 3 sessions free for me. I am staunchly anti-tanning bed. However, I laid in that thing, it started humming, Britney was playing, and I walked out BROWN. I promise only 3 times...
me: STOP IT.
m: I'm serious. We paid $150 for a tanning package for him. $150!!!!!!
me: STOP.
m: And i ain't got no car!!!!!!
me: You two are gonna look like Wendy's chicken nuggets. Oh my god, you're killing me right now.
m: It's better than him complaining the whole time about being sunburned. HAHAHA, nuggets.
me: Ha, you know your man too well.
m: I'll be your nugget.
me: You better be.
m: Love and butter.
me: xoxoxooxox
m: Go write something famous. Love you. PS...
me: Hahha, love you more. Yes?
m: I was lifting weights when I called you. WHO AM I?
me: God, why am I not talking to you on the phone right now? You are on FIRE.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Bad Comedy & Fake Names
c: Beardo just invited me to see Ron White with him tomorrow. What is with him and HORRIBLE comedians with only one shtick?
dun dun dun DUN dun dun.
And "So this one time I was drunk and doing something white trash ..."
me: HAHAHHAHAHA I don't even know who Ron White is. But I already love this conversation.
c: Okay, I'm sure at one time you have seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Since Comedy Central thinks it's the bee's knees and replays it a trillion times. Well, that and Half Baked.
me: Never.
c: Consider yourself lucky. His stand-up consists of telling stories of him getting arrested, womanizing women the size of John Deere tractors, and hunting.
me: So what you're saying is you're totally interested and definitely going.
c: Ooobviously ... not. I was like "Oh yeah, umm, I sorta told my friend Lisa I'd hang out with her. Super sorry."
me: LISA. Do you even know a Lisa?! It's such a fake name.
c: Haha I do! But to make her fake name even more unbelievable ...
me: Lisa Turtle?
c: Her name is Lisa Sue Johnson.
me: LIAR. She doesn't exist. Well, if she does, then I'm hanging out with George Robert Smith tonight.
c: We should totes hook them up.
me: Match.made.in.heaven.
dun dun dun DUN dun dun.
And "So this one time I was drunk and doing something white trash ..."
me: HAHAHHAHAHA I don't even know who Ron White is. But I already love this conversation.
c: Okay, I'm sure at one time you have seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Since Comedy Central thinks it's the bee's knees and replays it a trillion times. Well, that and Half Baked.
me: Never.
c: Consider yourself lucky. His stand-up consists of telling stories of him getting arrested, womanizing women the size of John Deere tractors, and hunting.
me: So what you're saying is you're totally interested and definitely going.
c: Ooobviously ... not. I was like "Oh yeah, umm, I sorta told my friend Lisa I'd hang out with her. Super sorry."
me: LISA. Do you even know a Lisa?! It's such a fake name.
c: Haha I do! But to make her fake name even more unbelievable ...
me: Lisa Turtle?
c: Her name is Lisa Sue Johnson.
me: LIAR. She doesn't exist. Well, if she does, then I'm hanging out with George Robert Smith tonight.
c: We should totes hook them up.
me: Match.made.in.heaven.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Blawesome
me: Blawesome!
d: Blalright!
me: This is a stupid question, but what do you think the subject line of that email should be? My name?
d: Yeah. Simple, to the point.
me: Blood idea. Gross, that didn't work.
d: HA
me: SENT! BLENT!
d: BLEAT! ... Which is, um, great, not the sound a lamb (?) makes. Do lambs bleat? Who bleats?
me: BAHAHAHHAHAHA. Bleat is officially my favorite word now.
d: Bleat the bleat! Ah, it's what a goat or sheep makes.
me: Sure, lambs. Are lambs baby sheeps? Or are they separate?
d: Or "to talk complainingly about." Lambs are baby sheep, Miss College Grad. And sheep is plural. Not "sheeps."
d: Blalright!
me: This is a stupid question, but what do you think the subject line of that email should be? My name?
d: Yeah. Simple, to the point.
me: Blood idea. Gross, that didn't work.
d: HA
me: SENT! BLENT!
d: BLEAT! ... Which is, um, great, not the sound a lamb (?) makes. Do lambs bleat? Who bleats?
me: BAHAHAHHAHAHA. Bleat is officially my favorite word now.
d: Bleat the bleat! Ah, it's what a goat or sheep makes.
me: Sure, lambs. Are lambs baby sheeps? Or are they separate?
d: Or "to talk complainingly about." Lambs are baby sheep, Miss College Grad. And sheep is plural. Not "sheeps."
Friday, February 26, 2010
How Did She Marry Ryan Adams?
c: The song that Mandy Moore sings in that movie where she dies from cancer but only after landing the tough bad boy in high school just came on my Pandora station. I tip my hat to you, Pandora.
me: Fucking amazing. AND HE PLANTS TULIPS OUTSIDE HER WINDOW TO SPROUT BEFORE SHE DIES?! Or is that another movie?
c: Haha, NOPE, thats the one. And he built her a telescope. The song is "Only Hope" if you wanted to YouTube it. I suggest you do.
me: Yesssss
c: OMG, the guy from the movie talks at the end of the song. This is fucking awesome.
me: Fucking amazing. AND HE PLANTS TULIPS OUTSIDE HER WINDOW TO SPROUT BEFORE SHE DIES?! Or is that another movie?
c: Haha, NOPE, thats the one. And he built her a telescope. The song is "Only Hope" if you wanted to YouTube it. I suggest you do.
me: Yesssss
c: OMG, the guy from the movie talks at the end of the song. This is fucking awesome.
It Shouldn't Smell Like That
a: Omg. I am STILL in this coffee shop on my 3rd mug of joe.
me: Oh jesus! You're gonna explode with hyperactivity or crap your pants. Or that's what I would do.
a: I know. And I don't want to get up and go to the bathroom because all my shit's on the table
me: I am soooo bad about that stuff and will have to change my ways.
a: I'm a little gun shy considering I've lost 2 electronics so far this year. L will tan your hide for that.
me: L is going to tan my hide for a lot, methinks.
a: Omg, it just started smelling like dog diarrhea in here. Might be time to move on.
me: OH JESUS. lolz.
me: Oh jesus! You're gonna explode with hyperactivity or crap your pants. Or that's what I would do.
a: I know. And I don't want to get up and go to the bathroom because all my shit's on the table
me: I am soooo bad about that stuff and will have to change my ways.
a: I'm a little gun shy considering I've lost 2 electronics so far this year. L will tan your hide for that.
me: L is going to tan my hide for a lot, methinks.
a: Omg, it just started smelling like dog diarrhea in here. Might be time to move on.
me: OH JESUS. lolz.
No, I Don't Watch Seinfeld
c: So I just tried canceling my date with Beardo. And he was going to suprise me with tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld tonight.
me: DO NOT CANCEL.
c: Haha, whoaaaa. Why?
me: Because Jerry Seinfeld is so lame that it will be the most hilarious date ever and then we can giggle about it.
c: Omg, I thought I was the only one who hates Seinfeld! Everyone's judging me.
me: I LOATHE him.
c: Omg, that's why we are friends.
me: Everyone is always like, "I can't believe you don't watch Seinfeld! I thought that was completely up your alley!" And then I never want to speak to that person again.
c: I HATE SEINFELD. I think Elaine is the most obnoxious person ever.
me: Hahahahhahah, our anger is boiling over. In regard to Jerry fucking Seinfeld.
c: Jerry is creepy. And George is a pedophile.
me: And Jerry's intonation when he talks: duh duh DUH duh duh. duh DUH.
c: He told me he got the tickets in anticipation of me being like, "OMFG balasuidnvaiesr thank you can I have your babies?" But really i was like,"Oh ... that's special."
me: Balasuidnvaiesr = new favorite word.
c: I sort of liked this guy. Now that I know his true colors (Seinfeld), it'll never work.
me: Well, some people I like enjoy Seinfeld and I just have to learn to get past it.
c: Like I said yesterday ... you are more giving with your love.
me: You are the only person in the world to classify me as that instead of a black-hearted bitch. Well, probably my mom would say that about me.
c: Birds of a feather flock together, my pet.
me: DO NOT CANCEL.
c: Haha, whoaaaa. Why?
me: Because Jerry Seinfeld is so lame that it will be the most hilarious date ever and then we can giggle about it.
c: Omg, I thought I was the only one who hates Seinfeld! Everyone's judging me.
me: I LOATHE him.
c: Omg, that's why we are friends.
me: Everyone is always like, "I can't believe you don't watch Seinfeld! I thought that was completely up your alley!" And then I never want to speak to that person again.
c: I HATE SEINFELD. I think Elaine is the most obnoxious person ever.
me: Hahahahhahah, our anger is boiling over. In regard to Jerry fucking Seinfeld.
c: Jerry is creepy. And George is a pedophile.
me: And Jerry's intonation when he talks: duh duh DUH duh duh. duh DUH.
c: He told me he got the tickets in anticipation of me being like, "OMFG balasuidnvaiesr thank you can I have your babies?" But really i was like,"Oh ... that's special."
me: Balasuidnvaiesr = new favorite word.
c: I sort of liked this guy. Now that I know his true colors (Seinfeld), it'll never work.
me: Well, some people I like enjoy Seinfeld and I just have to learn to get past it.
c: Like I said yesterday ... you are more giving with your love.
me: You are the only person in the world to classify me as that instead of a black-hearted bitch. Well, probably my mom would say that about me.
c: Birds of a feather flock together, my pet.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Honest Question
From: me@email.com
To: nw@email.com
Subject: Question
If CW can't see, why is he always on Facebook?
This email is not a joke.
From: nw@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Question
Hahahahahhahahahha. He can see if he's really close to something. So I assume he just gets really close to it.
To: nw@email.com
Subject: Question
If CW can't see, why is he always on Facebook?
This email is not a joke.
From: nw@email.com
To: me@email.com
Subject: Re: Question
Hahahahahhahahahha. He can see if he's really close to something. So I assume he just gets really close to it.
Meet Our Son, Balls
a: This indie guy and his wife have a toddler and I can't even pronounce his name: Kjonaas.
me: Stop it.
a: How "indie" is that?
me: KJONAAS! It's not even a word!
a: I know! Wtf.
me: K and j don't go together.
a: Maybe in the Slavic world.
me: If it's "Jonas" that is extremely ridiculous and unnecessary.
a: I typed it into Miriam Webster to see if i could get a pronunciation and it came back with "cojones." ha.
me: HAHA
a: "This is our son: Balls."
me: You're fucking killing me.
me: Stop it.
a: How "indie" is that?
me: KJONAAS! It's not even a word!
a: I know! Wtf.
me: K and j don't go together.
a: Maybe in the Slavic world.
me: If it's "Jonas" that is extremely ridiculous and unnecessary.
a: I typed it into Miriam Webster to see if i could get a pronunciation and it came back with "cojones." ha.
me: HAHA
a: "This is our son: Balls."
me: You're fucking killing me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
S vs. T
l: I totally just made fun of D for thinking that taxes were exciting. Is it too soon for that kind of teasing?
me: Are you guys sexting?
l: If you replace the "s" with a "t," then yes.
me: When are you meeting up again?
l: Not for a while.
me: Do you sext every day?
l: We Texted all day on Tuesday, and then started again today.
me: ALL DAY?
l: No making fun. You know I can't handle teasing.
me: I'm not making fun! I'm just amazed that you're Sexting to such an extent! It's awesome! Remember, though, this is Tour de Whore 2010. Not Meet My Soulmate 2010.
l: Well, don't worry about me. I'm not looking to settle down with my soulmate right now. Just looking to have fun and enjoy life. Whatever happens, happens.
me: SEX HAPPENS.
me: Are you guys sexting?
l: If you replace the "s" with a "t," then yes.
me: When are you meeting up again?
l: Not for a while.
me: Do you sext every day?
l: We Texted all day on Tuesday, and then started again today.
me: ALL DAY?
l: No making fun. You know I can't handle teasing.
me: I'm not making fun! I'm just amazed that you're Sexting to such an extent! It's awesome! Remember, though, this is Tour de Whore 2010. Not Meet My Soulmate 2010.
l: Well, don't worry about me. I'm not looking to settle down with my soulmate right now. Just looking to have fun and enjoy life. Whatever happens, happens.
me: SEX HAPPENS.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dating. No, Thanks.
c: I just agreed to a date for Friday. That I will cancel. But still thought you should know.
me: With T?
c: No. With a man who is saved in my phone as "Beardo."
me: You are a woman about the town!
c: No, I'm a woman who digs a creepy hole underneath town, only to peer through storm grates to peek at real life as I cook cats on a spit in my rat dungeon.
me: Hahahahahhaa
c: Hence why I just accepted a date I know I will cancel on. Cause THAT makes sense.
me: Wise beyond your years.
me: With T?
c: No. With a man who is saved in my phone as "Beardo."
me: You are a woman about the town!
c: No, I'm a woman who digs a creepy hole underneath town, only to peer through storm grates to peek at real life as I cook cats on a spit in my rat dungeon.
me: Hahahahahhaa
c: Hence why I just accepted a date I know I will cancel on. Cause THAT makes sense.
me: Wise beyond your years.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Secret Lives of Janitors
a: I went to the bathroom and saw that the Yellow Pages dudes had dropped off new phone books in bags outside of every office door today. And I laughed out loud when I looked down and they had left one in front of the janitor's closest that is clearly labeled "Janitor." I pictured the cleaning crew opening up the door and the tiny closet magically stretching into a large office and the staff making phone calls with brooms and mops around them. ha
me: HA! You just had like an Alice in Wonderland moment.
a: Totally.
me: HA! You just had like an Alice in Wonderland moment.
a: Totally.
Not Compatible
c: Did I tell you when he called me at 9 fucking AM on Sunday to make sure I was still his "valentine" he asked me what I was doing and I said, "Umm, I was sleeping. What about you?"
His response ... cutting carrots. Wrap your mind around that one.
His response ... cutting carrots. Wrap your mind around that one.
So It Goes
a: Self-esteem booster of the day: I'm getting a mani (I broke down), and the woman lifts up my sleeves to apply lotion and says, "Oohhh, we have arm wax. You be silky smooth." I say, "It's not a big deal. They turn blond in the summer..."
Friday, February 12, 2010
Typing Noises
a: Pro of waiting to buy a 2010 wall calendar until mid-February: All calendars are on sale for $1. Con of waiting until mid-February: I had to choose between the following gems:
me: Doo doooo do do dooo do do do doooooo. (That was the Harry Potter theme song.)
a: Ding ding ding! I'm looking at a picture of Ron staring dreamily into space when he's in lurve with Lavender in Half-blood Prince. (You know, b/c February is the month for lovers.)
me: Do you know how long I had to hum the song in my head and decide on the number of o's to put in each dooo?
a: lolz. Like when i was trying to figure out the exact duh's and bum's for the Law & Order theme song. It's hard.
me: hahahahhaaha. Duh duh bum bum bum bum. bum. Almost forgot that last one.
a: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUH DUHHHHH
me: HAHHAHA
a: We should take this buh dum show on the road. "A and M Hum Your Favorite Theme Songs."
me: Buh dum dum. Get it?
a: I had the same joke in my head. Oh sigh, I kill me.
- Hannah Montana
- Jonas Bros.
- Harry Potter
- Bichon Frises
- Robert Pattinson
me: Doo doooo do do dooo do do do doooooo. (That was the Harry Potter theme song.)
a: Ding ding ding! I'm looking at a picture of Ron staring dreamily into space when he's in lurve with Lavender in Half-blood Prince. (You know, b/c February is the month for lovers.)
me: Do you know how long I had to hum the song in my head and decide on the number of o's to put in each dooo?
a: lolz. Like when i was trying to figure out the exact duh's and bum's for the Law & Order theme song. It's hard.
me: hahahahhaaha. Duh duh bum bum bum bum. bum. Almost forgot that last one.
a: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUH DUHHHHH
me: HAHHAHA
a: We should take this buh dum show on the road. "A and M Hum Your Favorite Theme Songs."
me: Buh dum dum. Get it?
a: I had the same joke in my head. Oh sigh, I kill me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I Swoon for My Friends
l: Okay, go write, my love.
me: I love you.
l: Love you more. :)
me: Never possible. < 3
me: I love you.
l: Love you more. :)
me: Never possible. < 3
Succubi
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Day one of the new job yesterday was great but I worked until 11:30 - crazy times getting ready for this trip!
See below, I tried to be nice but was not on my A-game. That's my funny snafu of the day.
Love you!
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Oh my god. That is an amazing email.
I had to look up succubus on www.wordnik.com: noun A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
I took it from South Park. Clearly I butchered the meaning, but the demon part I got right.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Side note: I've read paranormal/fantasy books where succubi are characters. Bam.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Your bf cracks me up. By the way, husband just told me that sometimes I am too hard on him. Well, that's not how he worded it.
Husband: "You ride me like a fifth grade wedgie."
Me: "You are a fifth grade wedgie."
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Day one of the new job yesterday was great but I worked until 11:30 - crazy times getting ready for this trip!
See below, I tried to be nice but was not on my A-game. That's my funny snafu of the day.
Love you!
From: boyfriend@email.com
To: mh@email.com
Subject: Dear
I love you much, but this morning I thought you tried to poison me. My coffee reeks of soap, and when I opened the cap, there were soap bubbles everywhere. I’m not even sure you rinsed it! With those kinds of mugs it’s better to use soap the night before so that it’s thoroughly rinsed; I almost gagged on my drive to work. It tasted like coffee-flavored cleanliness.
From: me@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Oh my god. That is an amazing email.
I had to look up succubus on www.wordnik.com: noun A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
From: mh@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
I took it from South Park. Clearly I butchered the meaning, but the demon part I got right.
From: ac@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Side note: I've read paranormal/fantasy books where succubi are characters. Bam.
From: sb@email.com
To: thegirls@email.com
Subject: Re: I'm a succubus that's trying to kill my man!
Your bf cracks me up. By the way, husband just told me that sometimes I am too hard on him. Well, that's not how he worded it.
Husband: "You ride me like a fifth grade wedgie."
Me: "You are a fifth grade wedgie."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Drinking Timeline
me: You can tell your friend that 40 people have looked at her drawing. I can attach her email to it if she wants work referrals.c: Hahaha, she will be so pleased!
me: I can't stop looking at it. It fucking kills me. Because you ALWAYS fall down. A la into the toilet at Town Tavern.
c: Omg, I forgot about that. And that's a testament to how much of a shit show the rest of the night was if I was able to forget about falling face first into a toilet in DC.
me: I loved that night.
c: YOU did not wake up next to naked braces. In fact, you basically sacrificed me upon that altar. "I need five minutes to be the big spoon."
me: Hahahhahahahaha, I bee-lined for the couch downstairs before he could even finish asking me if he could do that.
c: Thanks, friend.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Weather = Panic
me: Early models show snow during the day Friday with accumulations, according to M.
p: I'm really worried about this. I feel like it could drastically turn. If I get stuck at this place, someone might have to die.
p: I'm really worried about this. I feel like it could drastically turn. If I get stuck at this place, someone might have to die.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Standards Are Overrated
me: An Australian bartender on the Lower East Side recommended this Brooklyn tattoo place. It is fucking amazing.
c: An Australian bartender could tell me he wanted to tattoo me with a needle from an AIDS patient, a hammer and poisoned ink and I would agree. Such is the life of me.
me: BAHHH
c: An Australian bartender could tell me he wanted to tattoo me with a needle from an AIDS patient, a hammer and poisoned ink and I would agree. Such is the life of me.
me: BAHHH
Monday, January 25, 2010
Go 'head and Tell'em
me: How do you put music notes in your gmail status message?
p: Google talk has a feature. Show current music track.
me: Celosa. That's jealous in Spanish.
p: Don't you have google talk?
me: No, just gmail. Are you embarrassed that I know you're listening to Soulja Boy right now?
p: Hahaha no, I just forgot to put Tell'em in iTunes. Stupid oversight.
me: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now. I only speak the language of dirty-haired, plaid-shirted, angsty indie boys.
p: His name is Soulja Boy Tell'em.
me: That is his full "artist" name? As in, "Go on and tell 'em. My name is Soulja Boy"?
p: Correct, have to include the Tell'em.
me: Hmm, well, good for him. You can "tell 'em" I said that. You like what I did there?
p: Hahaha, that was incredible.
p: Google talk has a feature. Show current music track.
me: Celosa. That's jealous in Spanish.
p: Don't you have google talk?
me: No, just gmail. Are you embarrassed that I know you're listening to Soulja Boy right now?
p: Hahaha no, I just forgot to put Tell'em in iTunes. Stupid oversight.
me: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now. I only speak the language of dirty-haired, plaid-shirted, angsty indie boys.
p: His name is Soulja Boy Tell'em.
me: That is his full "artist" name? As in, "Go on and tell 'em. My name is Soulja Boy"?
p: Correct, have to include the Tell'em.
me: Hmm, well, good for him. You can "tell 'em" I said that. You like what I did there?
p: Hahaha, that was incredible.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Whoops
me: Any news on Osama Bin Laden?
p: Haha. Wait, why did I laugh? Shit.
me: Hahahaha
p: No, haven't heard anything.
me: Bummer. I was hoping for some excitement. Wait, why do I want excitement from that?
p: Hahahaaha. Yeah, some bloody Brit is going to jail. Wait, why do I want a young kid to screw up the rest of his life?
me: This conversation is amazing.
p: It's really fantastic.
p: Haha. Wait, why did I laugh? Shit.
me: Hahahaha
p: No, haven't heard anything.
me: Bummer. I was hoping for some excitement. Wait, why do I want excitement from that?
p: Hahahaaha. Yeah, some bloody Brit is going to jail. Wait, why do I want a young kid to screw up the rest of his life?
me: This conversation is amazing.
p: It's really fantastic.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Lub, Truuuuue Lub
c: Hey, M, does L's whirlwind romance give you hope for one of your own?
me: No. I'm not Christian or a virgin.
c: Haha, I meant meet someone and BAM marriage.
me: No. I'm not shiny and happy. It only happens to shiny and happy people. I need someone who has the time to wade through my shit and decide they still want to put up with me.
c: Omg, we are both such Debbie Downers. Misery loves company. And I couldn't ask for better company.
me: Awww, that was sweet in such a sick way.
c: Hahahaha. Oh! Did I tell you J is marrying H with an online preacher's certificate and they are having him wear a monocle? He's going to look like the Monopoly man. They also want him to wear a top hat and cane. I couldn't hold my tongue. I said, "H, he's short, rotund and with that absurd outfit I will expect him to say 'Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail.' instead of 'You may kiss the bride.'"
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa]
me: No. I'm not Christian or a virgin.
c: Haha, I meant meet someone and BAM marriage.
me: No. I'm not shiny and happy. It only happens to shiny and happy people. I need someone who has the time to wade through my shit and decide they still want to put up with me.
c: Omg, we are both such Debbie Downers. Misery loves company. And I couldn't ask for better company.
me: Awww, that was sweet in such a sick way.
c: Hahahaha. Oh! Did I tell you J is marrying H with an online preacher's certificate and they are having him wear a monocle? He's going to look like the Monopoly man. They also want him to wear a top hat and cane. I couldn't hold my tongue. I said, "H, he's short, rotund and with that absurd outfit I will expect him to say 'Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail.' instead of 'You may kiss the bride.'"
me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Not Everyone Can Do It as Good as Us
a: Omg. J is the worst gchatter ever. He types a sentence that's not a question, but that clearly has a follow up. Then pauses for 3 minutes like he's waiting for a reply or for you to say, "Go on." It drives me insane.
me: Oh, jesus.
a: And my venting is done. Scene.
me: You just have to brain dump with gchat.
a: Exactly. Let your fingers flow. This is what I've been waiting on for 4 minutes
a: I mean, seriously? The sentence before his first was, "There's another wrinkle ..." And it took him 2 minutes to type that next sentence.
me: WTF? Why the face!??!?!?
a: EGGS-ACTLY. Sigh. My cramps are making me short-fused.
me: Oh man, I had some killer ones on Friday.
a: My uterus has been screaming for 16 hours. Aaaaaaand i just shut J's window down. I can't be bothered with that.
me: I just snorted.
a: Nice.
me: Oh, jesus.
a: And my venting is done. Scene.
me: You just have to brain dump with gchat.
a: Exactly. Let your fingers flow. This is what I've been waiting on for 4 minutes
J: What i was going to say. B heard that M rescheduled on me, so he and I went to lunchme: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
me: And?
a: I mean, seriously? The sentence before his first was, "There's another wrinkle ..." And it took him 2 minutes to type that next sentence.
me: WTF? Why the face!??!?!?
a: EGGS-ACTLY. Sigh. My cramps are making me short-fused.
me: Oh man, I had some killer ones on Friday.
a: My uterus has been screaming for 16 hours. Aaaaaaand i just shut J's window down. I can't be bothered with that.
me: I just snorted.
a: Nice.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Male Coworker Reflects on Teen Mom
me: I LOVE Teen Mom. Did you watch Intervention last night?
p: No, I have it on DVR. Was it a good one?
me: Yeah, it was pretty good. Drunk Southern mom. With a teenage daughter who was not giving her an ounce of slack.
p: Who is your fav teen mom ... waiting in anticipation.
me: Hard question! I like them all for different reasons. Maci intrigues me. Amber and Gary are like a disgusting train wreck. I don't know how Farrah ties her shoes every morning, let alone raise a kid.
p: Really! There is nothing to like about Farrah! I love Farrah's mom.
me: The relationship between Catelynn and her boo's parents blows my mind. Butch.
p: Butch is heading to jail tonight, can't wait.
me: REALLY!? They are so backwoods. I mean, do you realize that Butch is the father of the baby daddy yet living with the mother of the baby mama? It's all too much.
p: I really feel for Catelynn. And Yo Boy Ty, too.
me: I do too. They seem like really good kids. And they care so much about each other! It's really sweet.
p: And i think Bant-lee is the cutest baby.
me: HA. He is!
p: Rhine is an asswhole.
me: You are fucking killing me with your pronunciations.
p: I meen it! They ain't gonna last in 'Nooga together. Gawd, I want to go to Chattanooga.
me: And have a college weekend with Maci and the girls.
p: Yeah, they are three hours away. I want to know where they went. Maci should've lived with her parents the entire time! Sweet pad!
me: Did you think it awfully ironic when Gary went to lift weights to blow off steam? I mean, a little cardio might have been in his better interest.
p: Where to begin with that duo. Seedy motel. Cracker Barrel! LOST IT.
me: Bahahahhahahaha. I totally eat at Cracker Barrel with my parents. Once, we went there for dinner on a Saturday night and then went to see Gran Torino. Living life^max.
p: I can't picture you eating a single thing from the Barrel. This is mind boggling.
me: Hashbrown casserole!!!!!!!!!!
p: BAHAHAHAHA Do you buy the fucking massive lollipops? And sit in the rocking chairs to wait ... party of three.
me: The hard candy sticks. And yes.
p: Haha awesome. So you can relate to the portly Gary.
me: I mean, I have known his kind in my day.
p: A romantic night consists of a candle and meatloaf.
me: I LOVE MEATLOAF!
p: Amber loves meatloaf as well. And the poor people can't even afford a crib. Leah sleeps in a play pen!
me: Only a pack-n-play. Have you noticed the unfortunate mole on the back of Leah's head?
p: No, I will look for it tonight. Quite large?
me: Pretty large. At the sworl on the back of her head. Or is it a whorl? Yeah, spell check didn't underline that.
p: Hahaha, whirl whorl swirl
p: No, I have it on DVR. Was it a good one?
me: Yeah, it was pretty good. Drunk Southern mom. With a teenage daughter who was not giving her an ounce of slack.
p: Who is your fav teen mom ... waiting in anticipation.
me: Hard question! I like them all for different reasons. Maci intrigues me. Amber and Gary are like a disgusting train wreck. I don't know how Farrah ties her shoes every morning, let alone raise a kid.
p: Really! There is nothing to like about Farrah! I love Farrah's mom.
me: The relationship between Catelynn and her boo's parents blows my mind. Butch.
p: Butch is heading to jail tonight, can't wait.
me: REALLY!? They are so backwoods. I mean, do you realize that Butch is the father of the baby daddy yet living with the mother of the baby mama? It's all too much.
p: I really feel for Catelynn. And Yo Boy Ty, too.
me: I do too. They seem like really good kids. And they care so much about each other! It's really sweet.
p: And i think Bant-lee is the cutest baby.
me: HA. He is!
p: Rhine is an asswhole.
me: You are fucking killing me with your pronunciations.
p: I meen it! They ain't gonna last in 'Nooga together. Gawd, I want to go to Chattanooga.
me: And have a college weekend with Maci and the girls.
p: Yeah, they are three hours away. I want to know where they went. Maci should've lived with her parents the entire time! Sweet pad!
me: Did you think it awfully ironic when Gary went to lift weights to blow off steam? I mean, a little cardio might have been in his better interest.
p: Where to begin with that duo. Seedy motel. Cracker Barrel! LOST IT.
me: Bahahahhahahaha. I totally eat at Cracker Barrel with my parents. Once, we went there for dinner on a Saturday night and then went to see Gran Torino. Living life^max.
p: I can't picture you eating a single thing from the Barrel. This is mind boggling.
me: Hashbrown casserole!!!!!!!!!!
p: BAHAHAHAHA Do you buy the fucking massive lollipops? And sit in the rocking chairs to wait ... party of three.
me: The hard candy sticks. And yes.
p: Haha awesome. So you can relate to the portly Gary.
me: I mean, I have known his kind in my day.
p: A romantic night consists of a candle and meatloaf.
me: I LOVE MEATLOAF!
p: Amber loves meatloaf as well. And the poor people can't even afford a crib. Leah sleeps in a play pen!
me: Only a pack-n-play. Have you noticed the unfortunate mole on the back of Leah's head?
p: No, I will look for it tonight. Quite large?
me: Pretty large. At the sworl on the back of her head. Or is it a whorl? Yeah, spell check didn't underline that.
p: Hahaha, whirl whorl swirl
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sick, man.
me: Who is the ghetto friend on your Facebook page? I am stalking, sorry.
c: He was one of my biffles in high school (just a big pot head, not ghetto back then). Lost touch after school. Caught up a bit recently ... which apparently means I want to be tagged in 57 videos of "sick mad beatz yo" that he's been making.
me: Hahahhahahaha, I thought there was some inside joke going on with the videos.
c: No, no. Just me internally getting more and more annoyed.
me: Do you know how many people he is tagging in his "sick mad beatz yo"? And also, are these original "sick mad beatz yo" or he is just tagging you in songs that he likes? This is all so bizarre.
c: No, he makes them. Eventually an eruption of "YOU'RE A JEWISH WHITE KID, NOT DR. DRE aaaand YOU HAD A BOWL CUT IN HIGH SCHOOL" will come exploding out of my fingertips. Soon.
me: I anxiously await.
c: He was one of my biffles in high school (just a big pot head, not ghetto back then). Lost touch after school. Caught up a bit recently ... which apparently means I want to be tagged in 57 videos of "sick mad beatz yo" that he's been making.
me: Hahahhahahaha, I thought there was some inside joke going on with the videos.
c: No, no. Just me internally getting more and more annoyed.
me: Do you know how many people he is tagging in his "sick mad beatz yo"? And also, are these original "sick mad beatz yo" or he is just tagging you in songs that he likes? This is all so bizarre.
c: No, he makes them. Eventually an eruption of "YOU'RE A JEWISH WHITE KID, NOT DR. DRE aaaand YOU HAD A BOWL CUT IN HIGH SCHOOL" will come exploding out of my fingertips. Soon.
me: I anxiously await.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Maury Povich Texted Me
(000) M.C., you are NOT the godmother. :)
(804) YAYAYAYAY! PS-Best "I'm not pregnant" announcement I've ever gotten.
(804) YAYAYAYAY! PS-Best "I'm not pregnant" announcement I've ever gotten.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Gladys and the Nightingale Pimps
l: I feel guilty, but most famous females annoy me.
me: Hahahhahaa. Mushy Barton has scored an episode on Law & Order: SVU to play A HOOKER NAMED GLADYS!
n: She really creeps me out.
l: GLADYS? As in, the pimps? Oops, that was supposed to be nightingales?
me: Hahahahahha, what is going on?
l: Or pimps? Cold medicine makes me loopy.
me: I'm remembering a Kanye lyric ... Like the pimps and their Gladys or something?
n: Are you talking about Gladys Knight and the Pips?
me: HAAAA ... that's it.
l: PIPS - Mom just confirmed. Whoa.
n: Whoa is right, I need some of those cold meds to help me through this work week.
l: They ain't doin' enough. I have been waking up like 4-5 times per night with a roaring throat.
me: I need some propofol or whatever Michael Jackson had. I wanna sleep.
PS--N told us that somebody dropped a bottle of that in the hospital and a doc said "Michael Jackson just rolled over in his grave." And then they did a virtual high five to remain sterile.
n: Hahahahaa, oh my god.
me: Hahahhahaa. Mushy Barton has scored an episode on Law & Order: SVU to play A HOOKER NAMED GLADYS!
n: She really creeps me out.
l: GLADYS? As in, the pimps? Oops, that was supposed to be nightingales?
me: Hahahahahha, what is going on?
l: Or pimps? Cold medicine makes me loopy.
me: I'm remembering a Kanye lyric ... Like the pimps and their Gladys or something?
n: Are you talking about Gladys Knight and the Pips?
me: HAAAA ... that's it.
l: PIPS - Mom just confirmed. Whoa.
n: Whoa is right, I need some of those cold meds to help me through this work week.
l: They ain't doin' enough. I have been waking up like 4-5 times per night with a roaring throat.
me: I need some propofol or whatever Michael Jackson had. I wanna sleep.
PS--N told us that somebody dropped a bottle of that in the hospital and a doc said "Michael Jackson just rolled over in his grave." And then they did a virtual high five to remain sterile.
n: Hahahahaa, oh my god.
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